"And If You Don't Know, Now You Know!"

R.I.P. Biggie Smalls.... Anyhow it's long since been official: I'm taking a job and moving to Las Vegas. (I like to call it LOST WAGES! [Such a great joke!]) If you're hearing it here for the first time, don't be so offended! Or surprised! Remember when I announced my engagement on this blog. That was WAY bigger news and you all were happy for me then. What's changed?! What's your problem?! This web-log has always been the source of relevant, exciting, and breaking news.

So basically it's a one year management training program. After that I'm placed into a store as the General Manager. Great benefits, salary, and bonuses. I'll be working in a retail environment, soometimes in a mall, selling very stylish and expensive jeans... now, i know what you're thinking, "Craig, this sounds PERFECT for you!" but I'll tell you now that I had some reservations i had to work through.

Here's why I think it'll be good for me. 1) It takes organization, planning, scheduling, and someone that's uptight about the details. Boom! That's me. 2) Communication, interpersonal skills, leadership, and dealing with hot headed people in a calm, cool manner. I like the challenge. 3) Fashion sense. You all KNOW that i'm stylish as crap! 4) Drive to make money. Dude... I love money. I need lots of it. I spend it like it's on fire.

The bottom line is that Karly and I are ready for a change and this is perfect timing. Our current lifestyle/schedule involves me working 80 hrs a week and her going to school 20 and working another 32. We NEVER see each other. It's stupid. Plus, it'll be good to strike out on our own and whatnot. I'll miss Utah, all my family and friends here. A lot. But Vegas is only a spell away and it's on the way to California. I'm excited to see more of my family down there.

I'll be leaving the 19th of July. So there you have it.

Fresh New Pics On GRANDFURY

Just a little tease. A sample even.

Go HERE please, thank you.

Dude, Movies Are Way Better When You Only Pay $1.25

On a Tuesday afternoon. When you're just looking to kill a couple hours and keep a couple kids entertained. You'll ask yourself, "Where is this movie going?" And then you'll answer yourself, "Who gives a damn?" or "It's going another 47 minutes, that's where! Wooh!"

If critics had real jobs *lives!* like the rest of us, and saw most films in a mid-week matinee', they'd enjoy movies a lot more. I think we all would. But they take their jobs SO seriously. C'mon! 90% of the stuff out there is crap. It's a short diversion from real life. We all know that. But like critics, if movies are your life, you're going to be disappointed.

In order to help us all be more satisfied movie-goers I propose a very realistic, down to earth movie grading scale. You can be your own movie critic, help others enjoy their movie watching experiences, and spend your dough wisely. Next time someone asks you how a movie was, try dropping it into one of the following buckets:

1. IMPORTANT PIECE OF ART* - I'd say this is the movie you should see in the theater, dollar movie, redbox, or 25 years later. Either because it was made perfectly, or it's message is timeless, or it's the most moving thing put to film. These probably make up 1% of what's generated every year. We probably have never heard of most of them cause they're too complex and mentally challenging for major box office consumption. P.S. These can sometimes be too heavy to be merely entertaining, but sometimes not.

2. SEE THIS ON A SATURDAY NIGHT* - Worth paying $9 to see on the big screen with 600 other people, and you'll need a tall sodie and some popcorn. Make a night of this, this is some GOOD entertainment! A solid movie that is cutting edge in it's delivery and is a whole lot of fun to see. Sometimes they won't be relevant in 2 years other than as a footnote in special effects history. But sometimes they'll stick around. Like Star Wars or Back To The Future.

3. MATINEE' / DOLLAR MOVIE - You've got time to kill. That's about it. 8 hour layover in Cincinnati? Wife out of town for the weekend? You have an outside sales job and you want to make your boss think you're working?** Dollar movie. Movies you knew you weren't gonna pay full price to see. Dollar movies are usually the ones that did pretty good when they were in the normal theaters. This is a category that you'll be surprised with. I saw Race On Witch Mountain, Fast Or Furious II, and The Knowing this way (I don't know the exact titles, but let's be serious.... it doesn't matter.) and I actually enjoyed them. I believe it's because my expectations were set appropriately low and my investment was minimal.

4. REDBOX - If they don't have these in your area I'm sorry. If they are and you aren't using them, then I'm just sorry for you. This is the perfect way to see a movie you never ever thought you'd watch. You're leaving Wal-mart at 11:30pm and you know you're not going to fall asleep anytime soon?... Redbox. You just ate McDonald's alone on a Friday night at 9pm and you pretty much hate yourself?**... Redbox. And it doesn't matter what you watch. At all. That's the point. You're way past that. You are lonely. You need to feel better about yourself. The best way I can think of is to fall asleep on the couch watching the crappiest movie ever made. It'll remind you that someone else out there is a total failure too. Most the time a quick web search will yield a promo code that gets you the movie for free. But PLEASE return it on time! Or you could end up spending $13 on a movie you didn't even finish watching.

This is a great option to see a movie for next to nothing or nothing. Or it's a great option if you're a cheap @$ Mormon. Myself being the latter. Day Saint. These things are a big hit in Utah! But even so, more people should use them to watch movies they are iffy on. Or a great way to get a movie to rip onto your computer and put on your ipod. Which I've never ever done.**

Anyways... which isn't a word. I've discovered mid-afternoon dollar movies and it's changed my whole perspective on stuff. I hope this is useful. I apologize if you've read this far and feel like you haven't learned anything useful. Unfortunately, since you didn't pay a dime for it, I can't give you a refund.

* I think these are the ones that should be part of your home collection.
** I have personally done these things.

The Ladies That Work At My Bank Of The West Branch Are SNOTFACES.

ME: "Hello. I need some help with my account. I deposited a check from my tenant, made my mortgage payment, and apparently at the time you tried to get the funds from the other bank he didn't have enough in there. Anyway, can I speak to the branch manager or someone who can look into this for me?"

Bank Beast: "Ok. I'm sorry, who are you?"

ME: "Don't be sorry, I'm CRAIG!"

Bank Beast: "I'm the branch manager."

ME: "That's great..."

And yes, she had a foreign accent. She still hasn't learned that A) she works for me! and B) There is no way to say the words "I'm sorry, who are you?" that isn't offensive.

Customer service, my friends, is an endangered practice. It's under attack by middle-aged female immigrants!

Grandfury Updated...

And we're baaack!

Go look at some of Jessie Bryner's sweet, sweet artwork... and some of my portrait photos of sweet, sweet Jessie Bryner. Grandfury Photoblog. To your right is a little taste of what awaits you.

Check out Jessie's arwork at her new website Jessie Bryner Art.

While you're at it.

Why don't you.

How Pet Names Are Like Emesis

First I'd like to apologize for the picture and state that I used thesaurus.com to find a cool word for vomit. Also a DISCLAIMER*.

Oh gosh... how to approach this delicately. I'm sure to offend nearly all my readers, so I'll apologize to them in advance- Frank from Bethany, Oklahoma., Ricky from Falmouth, Maine, and Mary from Geismar, Louisiana.... Sorry if this post offends you. Sincerely. That covers everyone, I think. So here we go!

Your pet names for each other make me want to lay down on the ground, close my eyes, and pray for death. And I have a few good reasons, which I'll tell you about shortly. In private, you two can do whatever you damn well please, but for some reason when I hear pet names being used in public I feel like that person just threw up on their loved one and invited everyone to watch. And I am embarrassed for both of them.

"We need to return that DVD cutie-pie. Oh, and by the way, BLEEEEEEAAAAAAAUGHK!"

Vomit everywhere.

I'd like to explain how throwing up fits as a simile. I see two reasons:

1) A MASH-UP: I think that cutsie nicknames come from one's past experiences. From a lifetime of positive and negative relationships, and all the language and labels your parents and other defining figures used with each other- all mashed up and half digested. I really think that most people are incapable of processing their upbringing in an honest way. That's a problem in and of itself. But then they spit out these pet names not knowing where they're coming from or why they chose them. It's an emotional thing - a pet name- and I believe it comes from an emotional place in a person, inasmuch as these emotions relate to romantic feelings for others. And I believe this place is in some disarray for many of us. It all just seems very gut reaction and I think your loved ones deserves more than to have your undigested past (good or bad) plastered on them. They deserve thought and consideration. This is why a poem, song, or well written card is so meaningful. Because you took time to think about them instead of just spitting out the first thing that came to mind... like "babe" or "sweetie."

2) AN INSULT. I mean, can you think of a worse insult than throwing up on someone? I'm sure you can, actually, but please save it. My point is that it's personal. A) Often times we use silly nick names to compensate for a closeness in a burgeoning relationship where true intimacy is years away. You make the person "yours" by using a name for them that no one else uses. "We are so close... cause no one else calls him 'hot stuff.' And also he really is HOT STUFF!" B) You purposefully don't use their given name... because you don't like it. If your boyfriend's name is Allen for example, not only do I personally not like the sound of that name, but it is HELLA common. And your sweetie-poo is anything but common! C) But the biggest insult of all is the recycling of pet names. I've seen friends use the same nickname from one relationship to the next. I would love to tell your wife that you called your high school girlfriend "pumpkin" too and see her reaction. Not only are you not making her unique as mentioned above, but you are calling her the same exact thing you've called other love interests, which I understand to be a sore spot with some people.

(On a side note ladies, this insecurity business in relationships is ridiculous to me. I get the temptation to be jealous about his past girlfriends, but c'mon! What did you really expect him to be doing before he met you? Let's stop apologizing for this. HE PICKED YOU, DAMNIT!)

So I encourage everyone to just call eachother by their names, unless you have a really good reason not to. These arbitrary labels just scream insecurity and immaturity and douse your loved one in proverbial puke. And I think they deserve better from you.

Next week's relationship topic: How "baby talk" makes everyone else want to vomit on you and your girlfriend.

*This post is an exaggeration. I got the idea when I was already annoyed by something else and chose to take it out on this subject. Also, if I wrote a post called "This Isn't A Big Deal, But It Kind Of Bugs Me," that wouldn't be very entertaining. So hyperbole for amusement sake will prevail.

WHY WON'T SOMEONE GIVE ME A JOB DOING WHAT I LIKE TO DO?!

Exhibit A) Photography


Exhibit B) Graphic Design/Making Videos


Roommates


Exhibit C) Website Design

Craig Tovey Photography

Dave Eaton Music

Eaton Alliance

Exhibit D) Blogging

(see previous posts)

I mean.... none of this stuff is really GREAT, but shoot, I taught myself how to do it and I did it in my spare time! C'mon!!! It's gotta be worth something.