Friday, April 13, 2012

Jetblue? More like Jet-Poo, Get It?!

This is a letter I sent to Jetblue today:

"To Whom It May Concern,

I boarded the flight Thursday evening without any issues. The check-in personnel were great and very friendly as were the folks at the gate. I sat at the very rear (last row) of the plane in the aisle seat. Everything was what one expects from a plane boarding. But after the in-flight safety instructions, the flight attendants gathered in the back of the plane and I could hear everything they were saying. Two males, Elijah and Cameron, were the most vocal.

The comment that first caught my attention was, "I bet nobody knows where their life-preserver is!" I thought this was an odd comment and so I paid closer attention. The conversation lasted a few minutes about how noisy the passengers were during the safety announcements, what was the point of their (flight attendants) being there if no one was listening, and how they wanted to stop the announcements and tell everyone to shut up for a few minutes. They basically lamented their duties and importance as employees and blamed the passengers for their problems.

If this is where it stopped I would have probably let it go, but it didn't.

Elijah left the rear of the plane and as he was heading toward the front a passenger (possibly another Jetblue employee, I noticed there were a lot of passengers with gloves on cleaning up the plane when everyone was getting off the flight) indicated that the man in front of her was still using his iPad after the "turn off all electronic equipment" announcement had been given. Elijah stopped and said, "Sir, you need to turn that off or we will remove you from the plane." I thought this comment jumped the gun a bit. Of course the passenger didn't immediately turn it off, because who wants to pay hundreds of dollars on a flight and then be spoken to by a flight attendant like you are a child.

Meanwhile, in the back of the plane, Cameron was still complaining about passengers. I turned around and said, "You know, there's no sound-proofing between here and there. We can hear everything you're saying." He replied, "Yeah, we know. thank you," and continued talking. For some reason... I don't think he understood what I was getting at.

When Elijah returned from the front of the plane, he and Cameron again began lamenting their plight as flight attendants and considering whether or not to have the plane "return to the gate and have the man escorted off by security and delay the flight for 2 hours." I tried to get their attention by saying back to them, "Yeah, please don't do that." So that they knew I could still hear them. They ignored my comment and shut the doors to the back area for the rest of their conversation.

At this point, we were next to take off and I was wishing I had just driven to California....

Luckily, for the rest of the flight I didn't have to hear the flight attendants talk bad about the passengers behind their backs. But no matter how far I tried to lean away from the aisle, when either Cameron or Elijah walked by they would bump into my arm or shoulder. I would have thought this was inevitable, but since I was back by the restroom I got lots of traffic passing by me and only one passenger bumped into me... and he immediately apologized!

So, the experience related above is one of the reasons I would have rather driven the 10 hours from Salt Lake to Southern California (Which is about $80 cheaper for me) than deal with rude flight attendants. Over the last 10 years I've noticed a steady decline in customer service on flights. Flight attendants have become less pleasant and more like cranky aunts and uncles or over-inflated hall monitors. They snap at you with instructions prefaced by a "sir" or "ma'am," which only makes it sound more detached and contemptuous.

I understand that their job is stressful and under-appreciated. I waited tables all through college and know that the customer service industry is generally thankless and requires thick skin. BUT! I know how awesome airline employee benefits are. (I still can't believe how family flight discounts have remained given the state of the economy and the airline industry in general.) So, they know what they're getting out of the deal and no one is forcing them into this line of work.

I never write letters of complaint. I avoid this because I have little faith that they are seen by the right people, taken seriously, or account for any real changes. I admit that it's cynical, but I've never been proven otherwise. I full expect to receive an auto-response, form email that says, "Here at Jetblue we take your feedback seriously... Customer Bill of Rights... blah, blah, blah."

But, I'm gonna try anyway. For kicks.

My flight to California was a miserable experience where I felt trapped and at the mercy of cranky people who resented my being there. I'm really not looking forward to my return flight Sunday morning.... and I will avoid flying on Jetblue in the future. I might also post my experience, since I've already gone to the trouble of writing it down, on Facebook and my blog. My NPS (net promoter score) is presently a "0".

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
W. Craig Tovey

'The guy at the back of the plane...by the toilet.' "


Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Introducing The Denny Tovey Mustache Memorial Month

Ode to a mustache and its greatest iteration.


I've been obsessed with this option in men's grooming for as long as I can remember. I was born in the 70's and a small kid in the 80's. At this point the mustache was still worn by the "cool" kids. (mullet, tank top, cut off jean shorts, Camaro) But as we moved in to the 90's it went far, far out of style. But WHY?! This has been a staple of men's fashion since Cain was shaving his beard and stopped at his upper lip: "I just killed my brother in cold blood, but THIS is bad-ass!"

I mean, for hundreds and possibly thousands of years the mustache has been seen as "super cool." Ask Hispanic kids, they get it. They never stopped sporting 'em. Or black dudes. It was only snotty white kids that decided around 1989, (while listening to Depeche Mode and The Cure) that the mustache all of a sudden was lame. And unfortunately it has stayed that way.

So now, and probably for the last 4-5 years, we're seeing the mustache re-emerge in white pop-culture, but only by the hipster-indie kids in "ironic" fashion. They walk around all day as if they're pointing at their upper lip saying,

"HEY! Remember this?! Isn't it weird that I'm wearing this?! I mean, I'm totally weird, right? I also have this old film camera and I use a type-writer! Isn't that weird and dorky, and don't you think I'm special and loveable now? PLEASE! Does anyone NOTICE ME?!"

And on that front I got all those fags beat. (Yeah, I still say fags. I could hide it, but what's the point? If gay people are still getting mad about that they need to relax. I've heard plenty of gay dudes talk and they are just as closed minded as the next person... which is me in this case. ) Anyways... I was sporting an ironic mustache in March of 1999*. And not because I wanted attention, but because I was fascinated with it (and at age 21 I could finally grow a decent one). "Why did it ever leave?" I wondered. But on the other hand, what was the appeal? What great things does it do for the geometry of your face?

*Yes, I know that I'm coming across as the annoying, "I was into this fad WAY BEFORE you were," guy, but you know what? I just pointed that fact out before you had a chance to, so I beat you at that too! I win, you dick. And you can't make fun of someone who is hyper self-aware, so go f*** yourself!!!

Where was I? ....oh, yeah! The reason I was so obsessed with the mustache was because my Dad had one, A BIG GNARLY one that scared people. It wasn't a gimmicky handlebar mustache, or a manicured faggy (there it is again!) mustache. It was a thick, broom-like, Wilford Brimley, Sam Elliot, man's man mustache! And my Dad had a fairly long upper lip (not freakish Ron Perlman long, but pretty damn prominent) which gave his mustache more real-estate on which to take purchase. He would shave it occasionally (maybe once every other year) but it was totally his thing! It fit him too. He was a car mechanic, built hot rods, rode Harleys, and he got in plenty o' fist fights. So this mustache role model had a big impact on me! And as I descended into my 20's I couldn't get this fashion accessory out of my mind. At least once a year since I was 21 I've sported a mustache, but usually not for longer than a month or 6 weeks. (The photo of me in the banner above is from 2007) Why? Persecution, mockery, and scorn! ... and plus it makes my nose look big.

*Psst! Hipsters! The wayfarers you're sporting! My Dad was wearing those before you too! You can't win, you're extremely unoriginal and dull! No amount of wacky, ironic, retro accessories can fix that!

So when I'd wear my mustache, I'd get dudes saying, "That's awesome," with a laugh and a pat on the back. But mostly I'd get girls saying, "that's gross!" all Paris Hilton-y. And of course there's the comment that is like kryptonite to a mustachioed man: "You look like a child molester!" Not a cop, or a porn star, or a cowboy... a child molester. Thank you, ladies. Thank you so much. Did I mention you all look fat and ridiculous in those gaucho pants? Well, you do. ALL OF YOU!

But despite this persecution and the current hipster wave (that I hope craps out soon. I'm ready for the next fashion fad for young sheep-like humans who are hellbent on following trends to convince themselves they are not sheep-like humans. Now that's the ultimate ironic statement right there!) I'm excited for a time when the mustache is just okay again, in earnest. It's been around longer than any human being living and I hope it continues. It's left mainstream white youth culture for too long.

So, why this diatribe about mustaches? Well, I've been thinking of a way to honor my Dad. He passed away a year ago this month. I've been thinking of something I can do in his memory. What do people do to remember their loved ones who have passed on? Something they can get others involved in.... Wear a ribbon, a bracelet, make t-shirts, put "In Loving Memory" stickers in the back of their car windows.... So, it came to me and here it is.

For anyone who's willing to - friend, family, or otherwise - I'm declaring April as Denny Tovey Mustache Memorial Month: Let your mustache bloom! From this day forward I commit to wearing a bold and proud mustache for the entire month of April in memory of my Dad. I encourage anyone and everyone to join with me. This isn't an ironic, silly gesture, it's a serious one. Every morning I'll look in the mirror and think about Denny Tovey, who not only wore a mean mustache, but was all at once: a great giving man, a mean son of a bitch, and a real hoot! He left FAR too soon.
I prefer the "3 Musketeers/ Marc Maron" styled mustache. But you can choose your own.


Now, if you're offended by the way I've described my affinity for mustaches and my disdain for several groups of individuals, then you are invited to ignore this and flip me off behind my back. My Dad pulled no punches and people either understood him and loved him or didn't and hated him. If you're offended by what I've written and can't see the humor in it all, then Denny wouldn't have liked you anyway and you would disgrace a mustache by wearing it!!! And damn you. Damn you to pieces!

That's all I got. Over and out.
--------

"Perhaps we die twice. Once when our heart stops beating and again when the living stop telling stories about us."
- Phil Cusano