To Lesser Human Beings

DENNY TOVEY, December 3rd, 1949

2011-12-03T15:10:00.000-08:00

Dad in front of our house, Summer 2001

Today, my Dad, Dennis Keith Tovey, would have turned 62 years old. He died on April 7th of this year after fighting Leukemia for 10 months. His illness and death took me completely by surprise even though I watched it unfold each day and knew his passing was a very strong possibility right from the start.
It just doesn't seem RIGHT. I mean, it didn't fit into the narrative of his life. My Dad escaped death so many times and he was still extremely strong and lively before he was diagnosed. I realize that no one expects to lose their loved ones. It comes as a shock to everyone, but I've never dealt with it before, not with such a close relationship. I still find myself thinking of him, shaking my head, and saying... "Damn, really?! I can't believe this." I feel like I was reading an exciting book that just took a left turn and ended abruptly. It's very confusing.

I miss him. I don't know how to move forward without him as a part of my life. It makes me really, really sad. Today, on his birthday, I want to share some thoughts about him that I wrote and spoke at his funeral. I hope those of you that loved him, and those of you who never knew him, will find it useful. Here goes:

"Denny, My Dad."

by Craig Tovey

First, I want to talk about my beliefs and my Dad’s beliefs as far as life, death, and what lies beyond. Second I want to talk about my Dad's personality and character, and his time here on earth.

PART 1.

My Dad and I shared a faith regarding the purpose of this life. It’s called the plan of salvation. I'll start by talking about the big picture. I believe we are ALL children of a common Father. He loves us and before this life gave us the opportunity to be born into this world. The purpose? To get the bodies that we now enjoy and often mistreat. We came to this life to obtain a body, to learn it’s strengths and weaknesses, to try our faith and obedience, to learn to love and forgive, and after a time…. leave that body temporarily behind and move onto the next phase of an eternal progression. I want to talk about the two major obstacles we mortals face in this world: Sin and Death.

SIN

This life is both brutal and beautiful, painful and sublime. We all make several poor choices here in this life and sometimes mistreat each other and ourselves, and it leaves a mark. To return again to God we would need to be clean of the mistakes, sins, and regrets of this life. We need to be pure to return to our perfect Father. He provided the means for us to be forgiven of our mistakes and screw-ups. He sent our savior Jesus Christ to rectify this. Christ has paid for our sins and if we choose to accept his sacrifice and follow his teachings, we can experience forgiveness and be clean again. As followers of Christ we’re trying to learn how to screw up less and less, but when we do, NOT if, but WHEN we stumble again, if we are sincere about our desire to change, and rededicate ourselves, we are repeatedly forgiven. This is the beauty of the atonement of Christ, the Redeemer.

DEATH

Now… the other problem of this life, BESIDES the problem of making ourselves unclean by selfish and disobedient actions, is that to continue on our eternal journey, we’re going to need our body again. In death we are separated body from spirit. Like a hand in a glove, our body and spirit are inseparable in life. It’s only when we die that our spirit leaves our body behind. This vessel is not who we are. We wear it like a glove, and it is imperfect and mortal. God also sent Christ to over come this obstacle for us. Jesus broke the bands of death and re-emerged from his tomb after 3 days. He rejoined his body, but not just his earthly body. He resurrected into a perfect immortal body that can no longer be separated form the spirit. The beautiful and marvelous fact is that this gift is given to all men whether they choose it or not. Every person ever born on this earth will be reunited with his or her body one day. Because you came to earth, were born and died you will one day know immortality, our spirits will reunite with a perfect and incorruptible body. This is discussed at length in the scriptures.

“And have hope toward God… that there shall be a resurrection of the dead, both of the just and unjust.” ACTS 24:15, Bible

“But there is a resurrection, therefore the grave hath no victory, and the sting of death is swallowed up in Christ.” MOSIAH 16:8, Book of Mormon

“We need not doubt the reality of the Resurrection simply because we do not understand it. We witness the constant miracle of birth; it is real, although not fully understood. The coming of a newborn child occurs under the direction of a loving Father in Heaven. So will the resurrection of everyone who has lived, who now lives, or who will yet live upon this planet.” -Elder Neal A. Maxwell, Apostle of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints

This thought brings peace to my soul. One day I will see my Dad again. His spirit is no longer with his body. But because of the mission of Jesus Christ he will be resurrected. The disease, death, and decay will be a distant memory. He’ll have a body that will be perfect, flawless, and eternal. Maybe not today, this year, or next even, but someday soon, when the earth fulfills the measure of its creation we will be reunited with our bodies…. every last one of us. Until then, me, my family, my friends will all take turns passing from this life to the next leg of our journey. One by one we’ll all experience death. Some will be peaceful and timely, others will be premature and tragic. The thought breaks my heart, but there is another thought that attenuates the pain… that from here on out, as we all slip from mortality, guess who will be there to welcome us to the other side? Denny Tovey… and I don’t think we could be in better hands.

Denny at age 23.

PART 2.

It might come as a surprise to hear that I’ve been thinking about what I would say at my Father’s funeral for at least ten years now. I went to a funeral about that long ago for the father of a friend and I was struck by this thought, “What will people say about me when I’m gone? What will I say when MY DAD goes?”

A funeral is the summary of a life. Who’ll show up? What will they say? Will any of it be true? I’ve often thought about how I can explain my Dad to others. Typically, a funeral is an exercise in hyperbole and superlatives. Everyone becomes the “most” and the “best” at everything they ever did. Every positive character trait becomes exaggerated, and every negative one disappears. I’ve struggled with this when thinking about my Dad. I want to tell the truth, I want to be honest. Those are virtues he taught me to value. But that’s a difficult task when it comes to my Dad. As soon as I think of a strength, I think of a weakness. And vice versa. The one thing I feel comfortable saying is that my Dad elicited a strong reaction from those around him. You either loved him or hated him (and sometimes both at the same time) but you never felt indifferent. He was terrible and great, but never mediocre. My Dad could be a truly terrifying, violent, and fierce human being. I’ve never been as afraid of something in my life as when my Dad lost his temper. BUT! I’ve never known anyone more unrepentantly loving, giving, tender, vulnerable, and sensitive. My Dad made me believe that the world was full of morons and idiots, (some of them are in this room right now…) but many, many times I saw him drop everything to help a person in need. He might try and start a fistfight in the middle of a busy intersection, but he would visit sick and dying people in the hospital of his own accord. He was grouchy, hated kids screaming, and told everyone exactly what was on his mind, but he was a great storyteller, laughed often, and he loved to have fun. But I don’t want to dwell on what made him human, his weaknesses. I’ve had enough humanity for the time being. Suffice it to say my Dad was deserving of the superlatives. He was outstanding at everything he did… both good and bad.

In the past I’ve had people ask me to tell them about my Dad and it’s always stumped me. The best I can do is say,” That’s a great question, how much time do you have? Did you want to cover this in one sitting or over several visits?” Now, I’m faced with the same question essentially. I want to describe my impression and experiences that make my Dad who he is.

LIFE IS A BATTLEFIELD

My Dad is a fighter and a warrior. I’m guessing that if he took a truly accurate job aptitude test, it would say that he should have been A) a WWII soldier that hunted and killed Nazis, B) Muscle for the mafia, or C) a cowboy in the wild west. I’m guessing that right now God has him on some security detail or planning an attack on the devil. My Dad viewed life as a battlefield. He hated wearing neckties and often said the reason was because he was sure someone had tried to strangle in the premortal war in heaven. I remember one time in high school I made the mistake of accidentally surprising my Dad at home. I fell asleep in the living room after cross-country practice, and Dad came home and didn’t know I was there. He was getting something out of the laundry and had his back turned as I approached him, and I said, “Hey Dad.” I couldn’t believe how fast he spun around with his fist cocked about to take my head off. It happened so fast it startled me too!

This fight in him served him well when he was battling Leukemia. He fought bravely. It’s just a shame Leukemia isn’t an ogre or sasquatch or something, cause then my Dad could have easily whacked it to pieces with an axe, or a lead pipe, or his bare hands.

MISBEHAVING

My Dad liked to push the limits and have fun. When I was a kid he always said, “If you want to do something illegal... just tell me and we’ll do it together!” Whether it was racing go-karts in the church parking lot, lighting fires, riding motorcycles, shooting guns, or anything else. My Dad wasn’t having fun unless it was bordering on illegal or deadly. Honestly, I think it’s a wonder he didn’t get himself killed on several dozen occasions… or, you know, every time he got in a car. I know I was afraid of dying when I had to drive with him.

Although my Dad was phenomenal at misbehaving and having fun, he was always honest when he got caught. He had a love/hate/respect relationship with authority. He would tell me about the several times he would push his car well over 120 MPH, just for fun, and then pass a cop car. He’d then, of his own accord, pull over and stick both hands out the window with his license and registration and wait for the cop to catch up to him and write him a ticket. He figured if he didn’t make the cop chase him he wouldn’t take him to jail.

INTEGRITY HARD WORK

My Dad was an incredible and talented mechanic. To provide for his family of seven children and keep their mother at home, he worked extensive hours doing back-breaking physical labor repairing cars. I’m sure every one of you at some point benefitted from his knowledge of cars and mechanics. I know I did. But more importantly I learned to appreciate hard work and despise laziness.

My Dad was honest and fair in his dealings with his fellow men. He was a tithe payer and gave 10% of all his earnings to our church. He contributed to the missionary and humanitarian aid fund liberally. He never told me this but I happened upon a year-end statement from the church. My Dad kept his promises and told the truth. From him I learned to value integrity and honesty. To do what you say, and say what you do. In today's world, these are endangered virtues. Telling the truth has given way to “misspeaking,” and keeping your word has given way to “flakiness.” Denny was a man of his word.

I could go on and on about my Dad with hundreds of stories and lessons, but I’ll save some time for everyone else. I will say this. I will miss him and I’m sad he’s gone. It feels like it wasn’t his time. He had a lot left to do, to learn, and give. He wanted to serve a mission for the church. It will take me some time for me to make sense of why he's gone. No matter what... I’m grateful he was my Dad. The good and the bad, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I know my Dad isn’t gone forever. He’s gone home and he’s waiting for us, and I can’t wait to see him again. My favorite scripture is in the Book Of Mormon. For me it fits all occasions because it gets at the purpose of why we’re here and what we’re all working and striving for. I think it especially fits today, thinking of my Dad. ENOS 1:27 reads:

“And I soon go to the place of my rest, which is with my Redeemer; for I know that in him I shall find rest. And I rejoice in the day when my mortal shall put on immortality, and shall stand before him; then shall I see his face with pleasure, and he shall say unto me: Come unto me ye blessed, there is a place prepared for you in the mansions of my Father.”

Kids, This Won't Change A Damn Thing... But More Power To Ya!

2011-09-27T11:09:00.000-07:00

Approximately 3,000 young folks gathered at the Galivan Center in Salt Lake City on Saturday (Sept. 24th, 2011) to run 2 miles up State street to the Capitol building... in their unmentionables. I was vaguely aware of the event before Saturday. I'm not all that "in the know" about hip things to do or activist type stuff. A friend mentioned in passing that she was looking for the right pair of underpants to run in, but I just thought, "She's really wacky anyway. It's probably just her and some friends doing some watered-down streaking." But boooooooooy, was I wrong!

Saturday at about 5:15 I got a call from a friend visiting Salt Lake. There was urgency and excitement in his voice, "Dude, there are thousands of people down here about to run in the streets in their underwear! I'm just telling you you should be here, one photographer to another." So I hung up the phone and answered the photographer's gathering call: fabulous photos you'll regret not taking. I grabbed my camera and headed downtown. I parked WAY too far away because I assumed parking near the Galivan Center would be hellish. It wasn't really. Maybe all these semi-nude runners car-pooled? That's very activisty of them. Or it may be they ran there? Warm-ups? At any rate as i walked the several blocks I saw undressed people heading in the same direction. I even passed two lads taking their pants off in a parking lot.... on second thought that may have been something else.

The Galivan center was brimming with several thousand stripped down youths. All of a sudden I felt the odd man out for having my pants on. I was a clothed outsider in a sea of flesh and colorful skivvies. It was truly bizarre how fast the social construction of norms flip-flopped. I tried to blend in as best I could.... I smiled and frequently yelled, "Wooh! Yeah! We're doing it!" But I think everyone saw through me.

There was a stage with a DJ in boxers and the event organizers shouting directions. At one point they led a warm-up and stretching session. The whole spectrum of how a person might attend a public event in their underwear was represented. On one end were the underwear purists, nothing flashy (literally), just their regular underwear and some running shoes. Then there were the costumed folks, loads of people in Superhero type underoos, some cowboys, some sesame street themed outfits, lots of wigs and hats, some sexy lingerie, a bunch of dudes with Pac-man masks. And on the other end, of course, were the thoroughly shaved men in a banana-hammocks. Thanks guys.

The event had several professed purposes and some that just lingered in sub-text. Officially the gathering was for a Guinness World Record for the most people running in their underwear. That portion of the event had some strict rules for those that wanted to be counted. Men had to wear boxers or briefs and couldn't wear basketball or other athletic shorts. Girls had to have a shirt on over their bras until the counting was done. But you got the feeling that this was the "blah, whatever" part of the evening. It was really just a legitimate way on which to piggyback the real purpose.

The event organizer... I forget his name, and it doesn't matter, dressed it as a protest run against the uptight "sin" laws here in Utah. Laws that are particular to Utah and blamed on the predominant Mormon culture. (I say "blamed" like I don't believe it, but I do.) People were there advocating gay marriage and equal rights for LGBT folks, some were for raising the alcohol limit in beer above 3.2%, and others wanted more bars, or just more stores to be open on Sunday. Some people had respectable causes, but the event was open to the cause of one's own choosing. And choose they did! On kid wrote, "I want to be able to long-board downtown" on his back. Another guy wrote, "Virgins and Lesbians... thanks for nothing!" He was also dressed as Flash Gordon, FYI. Other people were there for sheer spectacle. "No cause, no purpose. Just want to be in public in my underwear." Small fantasies being realized silently in their hearts...

Then you could sense, and this was a very tiny portion of the crowd, there were a couple exhibitionists... the pervs. Dudes that were WAY, WAY older than everyone else, a stone cold expression on their face and a dead look in their eyes. They were enjoying things in a "different" way.

But it needs to be said that all-in-all, it wasn't a sexual event. At least not for me, and didn't appear that way for anyone else... at least not the guys... visually speaking... ahem! I've never seen the big deal with people's underwear. Most bikini's are as, if not more, revealing than underwear and bras. ( I refuse to say panties. It makes me want to die.) I think being "sexy" or "erotic" is all about context; the dark, the mood, the intentions of both parties. All in all, I've seen more/worse at beaches in Italy. And even topless beaches don't become instant orgies or sites for rape. When it's all out in the public and everyone's doing it... meh, who cares about some skin?

It was a really fun event to attend, honestly. I didn't really care about the causes that were represented. I have my own beliefs, and I'll do and vote according to my conscience, but the camaraderie and positivity of all the people there was refreshing. I'm a big fan of community and anytime I see strangers coming together and uniting in a cause it restores a little of my faith in humanity... even if humanity is runnin' around in its drawers. And I really do believe in free speech, demonstration, and protest, even when it might oppose my personal morals. Our country needs to be this way, so I'm all for it. But, the big question for me is... will this make a bit of difference? I mean, even a little tiny bit?

For a reality check on how powerful this event was, KSL.com, the #1 news website in Utah, picked up the AP story... but it was about 126 words long and buried in the "Odds & Ends" section. It was nestled right between a thought provoking story about a dozen clothes dryers being stolen in South Carolina, and a gripping article of a man stopped by Atlanta airport security for carrying fish in his luggage. KSL is king in this market. It's not just #1 for TV, radio, and online news, it's #1 with a f***ing bullet! #2 is miles away. KSL is a great indicator of the majority viewpoint here in Utah. And that's how this event was seen by the overwhelmingly conservative, taxpaying, voting public: marginal and quirky. The laws are the way they are for a reason: old people vote. Boom! The end. And the older people in this state are Mormon. If you want to get through to these people and make them more tolerant of your lifestyle and gracious, legislatively speaking, of your wants... running down the street in your underwear ain't the way to do it. I'm just saying, it doesn't provide quality information, much less a compelling argument.

This event fits right in to the conservative majority's existing schema. Namely, activists are silly hooligans. This is my issue with gay pride parades. Not the cause, not the message behind it, but the method. What are you communicating to the people's who's minds you're trying to change? "We're here, we're queer, get used to it?" (And also ass-less leather chaps.) So, you've proven you're not ashamed to come out in public? Congratulations. You won't be marginalized anymore? That's awesome. Being gay is portrayed as a flamboyant circus-like parade of techno music, rainbow flags, public affection, nudity, and leather-studded fetishes? Uh... I'm going to leave the conversation now. It's not you, I just remembered I have a big presentation next freak, I mean week!

To be persuasive, unfortunately, we need to understand our opposition; what they value, respect, and hold sacred. Then and only then can we approach them in a way that doesn't scare them off. And even then changes will happen a little bit at a time. This is the problem with the causes behind the undie run... they're adversely overshadowed by the undie run! How do individuals become more open-minded and tolerant? Well, the way I became less of an uptight, judgmental, butthole Mormon wasn't by force. Over time, through first hand experience, I met people that were different from me, their religion, sexual orientation, political views, and saw that they were still good. Some of them possessed more love and compassion in their heart than many Mormons I knew. I slowly started to realize that drinking, smoking, a homosexual lifestyle, or other practices that my religion prohibited are often practiced by loving, caring human beings. I learned the sin/sinner dichotomy. And this is how the predominant LDS culture in Utah will be softened up to allow people to live according to the dictates of their conscience... through first hand experience with other humans.

That's all. I expect someone will be offended by this. Oh well.

I'll post a link to photos in a minute.

LET'S TAKE ROLLER-COASTERS TO WORK!

2011-06-14T22:45:00.001-07:00

Today I read about how many injury investigations there were from 2009-2010 at the three theme parks here in Orange County, CA, namely, Disneyland, California Adventures, and Knotts Berry Farm. Now "injury investigation" doesn't mean deaths, head wounds, or broken bones.... it means bumps, scrapes, and sprains. When I read this I just imagined poor people holding their elbow at the end of a ride and going "Oooohh! It hurts so bad!" and hoping to God and all his angels that they can get a settlement that will pay for their cigarettes, bud light, and lottery tickets for the rest of their lives.... or at the very least a refund of their admission. But whether they are legitimate accidents or just litigious gold diggers, here are the top 5 rides that had injury investigations for 2009-2010!

Ghostrider, Knotts Berry Farm = 28
Splash Mountain, Disneyland = 14
Xcelerator, Knotts Berry Farm = 12
Pony Express, Knotts Berry Farm = 11
Space Mountain, Disneyland = 11

The following all had 10.

Disneyland: Jungle Cruise, Matterhorn bobsleds, Pirates of the Caribbean
Knotts Berry Farm: Timber Mountain Log Ride
California Adventures: California Screamin'

There are a couple deaths... but not in the last 2 years. Both at Disneyland, one occurred in 1998 and the other in 2003. One fellow was struck dead by a flying 9-pound cleat that came loose on the Sailing Ship Columbia ride. The other was crushed when his car derailed after a wheel fell off on the Big Thunder Mountain Railroad ride. Those sound scary, but the state of California reports investigating injuries at a rate of 5 in every 10 million rides taken at Disneyland's two parks, and 17 in every 10 million at Knotts. Those are pretty good odds considering that EVERY YEAR you have a 1in 6,500 chance of dying in a car crash and a 1 in 400,000 chance of dying in an airplane crash.

So here's my idea... we take roller-coasters to work! Public transportation within the city and across the country is all roller-coasters. Can you imagine the fun we'd have every day. "Honey I'm gonna head to the store to grab some milk. WEEEEEEE!"

I'm All Shook Up

2011-06-11T12:07:00.000-07:00

Yeah, take what THIS GUY says seriously...

I have always assumed that comedy was the one sacred thing that all Americans, nay, all HUMANS still held sacred. In a world belabored with "political correctness," "mis-speaking," "cultural sensitivity," it's always been comforting to me to have comedians and comedy shows be a place to cut loose, say what's on everybody's mind, and have a good laugh at ourselves and our ignorance. I assumed this was the case because I've heard things said in TV, movies, and stand-up comedy acts that I wanted to say in real life, not because I really believe them, but because IT'S FUNNY. I heard them, laughed, and thought, "comedy allows you to say whatever you want SO LONG AS SOMEONE THINKS IT'S FUNNY." So you can imagine how upset I was when I read something that undermined this, my dearly held assumption....

I read that Tracy Morgan had to apologize for anti-gay remarks he made during a performance... AS A COMEDIAN. Excuse me, he CHOSE to apologize for offensive remarks. No one made him do anything. He caught some grief for saying that if he found out one of his sons were gay that he would "pull out a knife and stab him." When I play this line in my head using Tracy Morgan's voice and inflection.... it makes me laugh. It's SOOOOO obviously a joke. A good one. It's hyperbole. It's honest in that it addresses how upsetting that can be for some parents. And mostly it's funny cause it makes fun of ignorance. It's not funny cause he was serious. It's funny cause he was totally NOT serious. His stage performance is an act. Whether or not Tracy Morgan is a violent homophobe or not is beside the point. He's a comedian, g*dammit.

And all the queer folks were all upset about him promoting violence towards homosexuals. Yeah... you people need to settle down and think this one through. And yes, I did say "you people." Deal with it. You're telling me that you're afraid someone watching TRACY EFFING MORGAN the well known COMEDIAN is going to hear him say that and think, "Great point, Tracy! My son/brother/friend is gay and that's a great idea, I'm gonna go stab that son of a bit*h!"

I'm not supporting violence towards anybody, especially against gaylords, cause lord knows they're so very weak and helpless. I'm saying I don't think a comedian has to apologize for anything he says, UNLESS it doesn't get a laugh. Your job is to make people laugh. If you fail at that.... then by all means you owe the world an apology. We listened to you in good faith and now our time has been wasted. But if we laugh, fair play. It was relatable and ridculous and clever and entertaining.

If comedians can't make fun of anyone and everyone... then what good is comedy? What would happen if George Carlin, Richard Pryor, Eddie Murphy, Chris Rock, or Louis C.K. had to apologize for offensive things they said in their routines? Their apologies would last twice as long as their acts!

This is a problem people.... this is a problem. Comedians apologizing, politicians taking pictures of their crotches... what next? Nerdiness suddenly being considered cool?! Oh wait, we're there. Next stop, the effing Apocalypse. If gay people think they have it bad NOW...

P.S. The obviously ignorant terms for LGBT peeps is sprinkled throughout this post for comedic effect..... see it's funny because here I am saying that it's not about hating gay folks an yet I'm using derogatory terms. The IGNORANCE is what's funny. Archie Bunker, people. Archie motherf**king Bunker.

Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer - "The New Resort Housing Development"

2010-12-20T18:24:00.000-08:00

Mayor: "Mr. Cirroc, are you ready to give your presentation?"

Cirroc: "It's just Cirroc, Madame Mayor, and yes, I'm ready. Ladies and gentlemen of the city council, I'm just a caveman! I fell in some ice and later got thawed out by your scientists. Your world frightens and confuses me! When I see tall buildings and flashing neon signs sometimes I just wanna get away as fast as I can... to my place in Martha's Vineyard. I'm more at home hunting the wholly mammoth that I am hunting a good interior decorator. And when I see a solar eclipse like the one I went to last year in Hawaii, I think, 'Oh no! Is the moon eating the sun?!' I don't know! Because I'm a caveman, that's the way I think... but there is one thing i do know.
"The new resort housing development proposed by my partners and myself, will not only provide much needed property taxes, but it will also include more than adequate greenbelts here, here, and here, for recreation and aesthetic enhancement. Thank you."

Mayor: "But Mr. Cirroc, won't this new subdivision of yours destroy the environmentally sensitive wetland area and all the wildlife that live there?"

*Cirroc laughing*

Cirroc: "Madame Mayor, in my time we couldn't afford to worry about a few ducks! Maybe we were just cavemen... but with us PEOPLE came first."

Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer - "Fall in Front of the Public Library"

2010-12-20T17:54:00.000-08:00

Judge: "Mr. Cirroc, are you ready to give your summation?"

Cirroc: "It's just Cirroc, your honor and yes, I'm ready. Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury... I'm just a cave man.I fell in some ice and later got thawed out by some of your scientists. Your world frightens and confuses me! Sometimes the honking horns of your traffic make me want to GET OUT of my BMW and run off into the hills or... whatever. Sometimes when I get a message on my fax machine I wonder, 'Did little demons get inside and type it?' I don't know! My primitive mind can't grasp these concepts... But there is one thing I DO know. When a man, like my client, slips and falls on a sidewalk in front of a public library, then he is entitled to no less than $2 million in compensatory damages... and $2 million in punitive damages. Thank you."

Judge: "The jury will now retire to deliberate."

Jury Member: "Your Honor, we don't need to retire. Cirroc's words are just as true now as they were in his time... We give him the full amount."

*Cirroc on cell phone*

Judge: "Did you hear that Mr. Cirroc?"

Cirroc: "Hang on a second... I'm sorry you're Honor, I was listening to the magic voices coming out of this strange modern invention!"

Grad School Reflections - "You're Doing It, Peter!"

2010-08-16T18:35:00.000-07:00

So I made way too big a deal for too long about applying to and attending a graduate program. I finished my bachelor's degree in 2003. I knew I was gonna go back for a master's, but couldn't decide on a subject. Communications, Social Psychology, Education? At this point i could have gotten all three master's degrees in the same amount of time it took me to decide to on one. And then how smart would I have been by now?! So smart I could open a can of tuna fish using only my brain power... or at least smart enough to NOT keep sitting on my cell phone in the car and then knocking it on the ground very time I get out. (This is why I can't have nice things! Like an iphone... I haven't proven I'm even close to responsible enough.)

Anyways... (not a real word) my point is that it wasn't that big a deal to apply and get in and i should have done it ages ago (hyperbole). To all you aspiring grad students out there! (Imagine my voice through a megaphone) Stop being a baby, or babies rather, and JUST DO IT ALREADY!!!... GEEZ! So having said all that, here are my reflections on day1, week1: Orientation.

I showed up to our department building at 9AM... ok 9:15 cause i'm still always late. I walked in behind Sasha the redheaded girl with a grown out mohawk, pushing a ten speed. I walked into the room and enjoyed bagels and orange juice courtesy of the Comms department. Tasty, tasty. I looked around the room and saw that easily 90% of its occupants were female. (This is a common observation for me. Most of my classes, workplaces and so forth have been predominantly female... are my choices in life telling me something? That I'm a big sissy?) We went through some icebreakers (not that terrible gum or a crash course in igloo demolition, but the social kind) and beside getting to know my new classmates, I became acquainted with the comforting idea that these people didn't have it all figured out either. they just made a decision and went with it. Nobody had a narrowly defined idea of what they wanted to research or write their thesis on. They were all in need of guidance and help... like me. I was more social and affable than usual. I think this is the first time in my life (besides an occasional job interview and the first 2 weeks of work) that I actually want to make a good impression on a group of people. For the first time ever I feel like I'm were i belong, that I'm on the right track. I want to excel, I want to stand out, I want to network. These people can help make or break my future.

After a chatty 1 hr session with me cupping my ears to hear the person across the table from me, we walked like a pack of freshmen (name tags and all) over to the library for a tour. The PhD student that took us around urged us to not feel intimidated. "Don't be embarrassed if you don't know what something is, thinking it's something you should have remembered from your undergrad!," she seemed to say... or maybe said word for word. Either way it reinforced the theme for the day for me: "You don't have to have it all figured out right now," or "YDHTHIAFORN" for short, which helps me remember and is totally less confusing!

Then we rode TRAX down to Stoneground (a really great restaurant on 400 S. 250 E. in Salt Lake.) for lunch. I sat next to and talked a lot with Corinne, the department's graduate academic advisor. Astonishingly, she did just that, advised me academically! She encouraged me not to shy away from integrating my photography into my academic career, suggested a few professors I should check out for the Fall, and helped to further set my mind at ease about not having a clear vision of my areas of interest. What a lady!

All in all, my impression of day 1 was this: I'm so glad I did this. It's a big undertaking, but lots of normal people like you are doing it successfully. There are lots of resources and people to help. Yay.

Until next time...

What Do We Live For, If Not To Make Life Less Difficult For Each Other? Part II

2010-06-17T10:41:00.000-07:00

I'm gonna end up asking you for money.... so look forward to that!

My Dad, Denny Tovey (see the Awesome! gentleman to the left), was diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia (ALL) last Friday. Good news is he has been at the UC San Francisco hospital since then and is already undergoing chemotherapy. He is otherwise very healthy for his age and for his type of leukemia there's a 90% chance he will recover completely, which is really great news for us. He'll spend 30 days for his first round of treatment and return for several more stays over the following 6 months. This came to our family, like so many before us, as a huge shock. No family ever sits around going:

"You know, I have a feeling Dad's gonna get cancer."

"Weird! I thought the same thing! What type, do you think?"

"I'm not a betting man, but if I were, I'd put odds on Leukemia. It's a real sneaky cancer and that's the only way it would get to someone like Dad, cause he's always, like, really... aware! You know?"

"Yeah, like the time he just knew it was me that touched the thermostat! How could he possibly know that?! But he was right... I did. It was so damn cold in that house!"

Anyway, my Dad, Denny, that is, is an auto mechanic by trade. Last summer he closed down his shop after like 30 yrs of business, due to a recently increased economic influence. So he's unemployed and has no insurance. He should be eligible for medical, but that doesn't cover all his monthly living expenses (which luckily are fairly low since he's very frugal) or the ancillary expenses involved in being hospitalized. His wife Becky pays $24/day just to park at the hospital, for example. I'm sure ALL of you know or have known someone who has had a major illness and understand the financial stress that comes from being hospitalized. His Bishop asked him to reach out to friends and family for support and so I'm reaching out to you. So if anyone has a spare couple bucks and feels inclined.... please send a check to:

Denny Tovey
6433 Beechwood Dr.
Paradise, CA. 95969

I'm seriously thinking in the $10-$20 range... more if you're really, really rich. Needless to say, for ANY help I would be very grateful! A few years back my friend Brooke Barragan and I raised some money for a struggling single mother for Christmas. (That was Part I) My Dad was the single biggest contributor at $500. He is ALWAYS the one to offer time and money when someone's in need. I'm hoping that kind of karma will revisit him now that the roles are reversed.

And if you ever need someone to run, walk, or donate time or money to the cause of your choice, I'm totally on-board! Cause without cancer funds that research new treatments the outlook would NOT be as good as it is.

Thank you,

Gosh, we've changed so much since last summer... especially Chris.

2010-05-14T12:10:00.000-07:00

Click on image for larger view

Even as we calmly sail into our 30's there are still so many changes taking place. Year by year we grow a little bit older, a little fatter, our skin a little less elastic.
Mike and I (pictured in the back) used to have such great beach bodies! I remember when we could fit into our matching spandex booty shorts with room to spare. What happened?! Mike was always pointing at stuff. Me, I'd just stand proudly, hands on my hips, waiting for the next chick to cruise over and ask for my number.
But Chris... I just don't know what to say. Brooke and he were just newly weds. She could hold him in her arms, just like he liked. But man... he put on some lbs in that first year of marriage! People talk about gaining weight when you get married, but he gained height and girth as well. So bizarre.
I just hope this next year that time slows down a little and gives Chris a chance to catch up with all the changes he's been through... we've all been through.

Beware Of People Who Speak Very Softly... And Wear Sunglasses Indoors At Night.

2010-03-16T11:39:00.000-07:00

I may be murdered in my sleep for posting this... but it's too bizarre not to share.
I almost don't know where to begin. At the beginning I suppose... So Karly and I have been posting ads on KSL and Craigslist trying to find some roommates for our empty upstairs bedrooms in our house. But when you put information out to the world wide public and invite people over to your home, it can get really weird. So we had this 55 yr old woman come over one evening... after dark... to look at the house. She was wearing dark sunglasses and spoke really soft...we'll call her "Robin." I was immediately weirded out and wanted her to be gone from my life as soon as possible. No offense to her. But when I'm that uncomfortable I don't give a damn who 's feelings get hurt. Unfortunately, she called back several times expressing an interest to move in. She said she was living in a motel paying $71 dollars a night. Every time she called it was from a different number and she started by saying, "I'm calling about the room you have on craigslist, is it still available?" So it was impossible to screen her calls. No matter how many times we spoke on the phone, the conversation always started this way. So eventually I made up an excuse and got rid of her.

That conversation was super awkward... she started asking if I'd spoken to somebody about her. Like her ex-husband or her bishop. And how she knew that I'd heard something bad about her and that she thought I was lying... which of course I was. I would have told this broad anything to be done with the whole thing. So it ended there. For the time being. I purposefully didn't post ads for 2 months, just so she could find a place and I wouldn't have the awkward possibility of her calling again.

2 months wasn't long enough.

We posted another ad and Karly started getting weird softly spoken phone calls from an older woman who was living in a motel. She came over to the house to see the room. I was downstairs the whole visit and didn't see her, but afterward Karly came down and said, "Was that weird lady from before who wore the sunglasses at night named Robin, cause i think she just came back again?"

Meanwhile I had gotten a weird email from a lady named "Davis County" about the room and had a several email long exchange. Here's how the rest of the story unfolds...

Davis County: I can pay by the week.. $99 plus $80 (the rent by the week).. would that be a possibility..

ME: No, sorry. We need it all at once.

ME: Hey, Are you "Robin"? The lady who came and looked at the place in January?

Davis County: my picture is on youtube.com "Robin"LFMS ... that's me.

ME: There's no picture on your youtube profile. But anyway, it's really a straightforward, yes or no question. Did you come look at the house in January and again today?

Davis County: my youtube.com profile is an entire picture.. I am talking for 20 minutes straight.

ME: Ok. So the answer is YES, it is the same person who came in January, and calls from different phone numbers, and asks the same questions as if she hasn't called before, and came by the house again today to see the room as if she's never been here before.

We don't feel comfortable with this situation and think you should look for a different room to rent. Good luck, there are lots out there.

Davis County: I didn't think you were telling me the truth when I came by before.. I thought someone had said something to you or you acted strangely.. but, kept telling me that it wasn't me but that your sister was moving in... and all the rooms were suddenly occupied.. you weren't honest. I had no idea you didn't want to rent to me particularly.. I don't know why. You didn't say you weren't. You were hiding something. I don't know who talked to you or why you came to be how you were, but I didn't feel you were being honest. I am the woman who is on the profile.. the testimony and person is me. I don't call from different phone numbers as you are saying on purpose. I have several phones and call from work.. I expected you to talk to me today.. I thought you were interested in renting to me. You didn't meet me.. your wife, who I haven't met, did. I was still interested in renting in the area. I am not interested in renting from someone who has some sort of problem.

ME: That's just fine. Good luck with finding a place.

Davis County: I was not impressed with your wife.

ME: Good. She's taken.

Davis County: I don't know why you keep talking to me; you're the one that's inappropriate in your behavior. You have a picture of the Savior in your livingroom... but, yet, you're not that way. You're inappropriate.

Davis County: I found a fantastic place, yesterday. The people are not strange... they're not inappropriate.. they're grown-up.. open.. the way people are who deal with others. You have problems. You're scary. I would not choose to be any where around you. There's something wrong with you. Don't write to me again. I'm rejecting you as a personality or your character or whatever it is you are.. and you're wife is not impressive to me.

ME: Cool.

Davis County: you know I blocked you. it should have gone straight to junk mail.. I don't know why it isn't working. maybe tonight they'll have that up.

ME: Right on.

So when I checked out her youtube profile and some of her videos I started getting the idea that this lady was really truly nuts. I was transported back to my time working at a psychiatric hospital. I remember back then thinking, "Oh my gosh, these people are gonna be back out walking the streets in a few days. Yikes." And sure enough they are. And this lady is. And she tried to rent a room from me.

My favorite part is when she insults Karly like it's the biggest burn she could come up with that would just strike me to the core! I can just see her sitting at her computer, glasses on, typing: You're wife is not impressive to me. And then saying, "Burned!" in the softest voice possible.

Don't get me wrong, I have nothing but empathy and understanding for the mentally ill. I wish nothing bad upon this lady. This is merely the recounting of an experience from my perspective and how bizarre it all was. If you'd like to enter her world and get another side to the story by understanding her perspective, then be my guest. Here are a few links... browse at your own risk. I can't be held responsible if you LOSE YOUR MIND!

YOUTUBE

NUTTY WEBSITE #1

NUTTY WEBSITE #2

8 Months Later.... Finally Something Worth Mentioning.

2010-03-09T11:09:00.000-08:00

Hello my friends. I won't be surprised if no one ever actually sees this post. I've sorely neglected my blog and nobody stops by anymore. I've done this to myself and I'm ashamed. :( But I'll tell you now that there has not been anything significant going on since then. I mean, yeah, I moved back to Utah... (shoot, that would have been a good post.) But other than that nothing really exciting has happened. I've had no good thoughts. No insights, no theories, no reactions. Also, I feel like Facebook & Twitter have ruined blogging for me. No one wants to read anything longer than 140 characters. If you can't say it in 1-2 short sentences, don't bother! But I think maybe bloggin has some legs on it yet and I'm gonna give it another go.

Anyways... I have some great news that I'm really happy about. Many of you probably didn't know that I left Buckle because I've decided to go to grad school as soon as possible. So in November I started making my preparations and looking for schools to apply to. I decided that for my Master's I just want to stay in Utah. So the only choices for a decent degree in Communications are the U and BYU. I planned on applying to both, but when the deadline for BYU came I didn't want to part with the $50 application fee to apply to a school I didn't really want to go to. And not just because shaving is a hassle, but their program is really one dimensional. So I only applied to the U. And yes, all my eggs were in one basket and I didn't expect to get in. Only about 10 to 15% of applicants are accepted. But if you apply and aren't accepted you can do non-matriculated master's level coursework at the school and apply the following year and be more of a shoe-in for acceptance.

So one week ago today I received a letter from the Department of Communications at the U. It was thin. I've been rejected by schools before (BYU... twice) and I know that when a letter comes and it's thin that it probably doesn't have a welcome packet in it. So I opened it up pretty dismayed. But then the first line read, "Congratulations! The Graduate Committee was impressed by your application to our program..." It took a few seconds to register before I realized I got in. Then I was on the verge of tears for like 6 hours after as I called Karly and my Mom and Dad.

So I start graduate school in the Fall. I'll be getting my Master's in Communication from the University of Utah. It'll take about 2 years to finish. Right now I'm planning on jumping right into a PhD after that. Most likely at a different school out of state and it'll be an additional 3 years. I really want to live outside Utah again and I'll be shooting for the best programs in the country... unless I blow it and fail all my classes at the U. It's possible.

So anyway... how will a BYU grad do at the U? I mean, am I a Cougar or a Ute?

Actually I don't care at all. My biggest concern is how I'm going to handle all the stupid BYU/U jokes I'll have to hear for the next 2 years. And they're not even good, witty jokes. It's just people going, "Oh, BYU, huh? Well, we'll try not to hold it against you..." or some variation on that theme. It'll be what I've had to listen to for the last decade in Elder's quorum x10. (The worst part is you can't even escape it by going to another state. I've been in Elder's quorum meetings in California and had to listen to stupid U v. BYU banter. Sometimes I really hate my people.)

So that's all for now. See you.

"And If You Don't Know, Now You Know!"

2009-07-10T09:26:00.000-07:00

R.I.P. Biggie Smalls.... Anyhow it's long since been official: I'm taking a job and moving to Las Vegas. (I like to call it LOST WAGES! [Such a great joke!]) If you're hearing it here for the first time, don't be so offended! Or surprised! Remember when I announced my engagement on this blog. That was WAY bigger news and you all were happy for me then. What's changed?! What's your problem?! This web-log has always been the source of relevant, exciting, and breaking news.

So basically it's a one year management training program. After that I'm placed into a store as the General Manager. Great benefits, salary, and bonuses. I'll be working in a retail environment, soometimes in a mall, selling very stylish and expensive jeans... now, i know what you're thinking, "Craig, this sounds PERFECT for you!" but I'll tell you now that I had some reservations i had to work through.

Here's why I think it'll be good for me. 1) It takes organization, planning, scheduling, and someone that's uptight about the details. Boom! That's me. 2) Communication, interpersonal skills, leadership, and dealing with hot headed people in a calm, cool manner. I like the challenge. 3) Fashion sense. You all KNOW that i'm stylish as crap! 4) Drive to make money. Dude... I love money. I need lots of it. I spend it like it's on fire.

The bottom line is that Karly and I are ready for a change and this is perfect timing. Our current lifestyle/schedule involves me working 80 hrs a week and her going to school 20 and working another 32. We NEVER see each other. It's stupid. Plus, it'll be good to strike out on our own and whatnot. I'll miss Utah, all my family and friends here. A lot. But Vegas is only a spell away and it's on the way to California. I'm excited to see more of my family down there.

I'll be leaving the 19th of July. So there you have it.

Fresh New Pics On GRANDFURY

2009-06-29T23:50:00.000-07:00

Just a little tease. A sample even.

Go HERE please, thank you.

Dude, Movies Are Way Better When You Only Pay $1.25

2009-06-21T09:46:00.000-07:00

On a Tuesday afternoon. When you're just looking to kill a couple hours and keep a couple kids entertained. You'll ask yourself, "Where is this movie going?" And then you'll answer yourself, "Who gives a damn?" or "It's going another 47 minutes, that's where! Wooh!"

If critics had real jobs *lives!* like the rest of us, and saw most films in a mid-week matinee', they'd enjoy movies a lot more. I think we all would. But they take their jobs SO seriously. C'mon! 90% of the stuff out there is crap. It's a short diversion from real life. We all know that. But like critics, if movies are your life, you're going to be disappointed.

In order to help us all be more satisfied movie-goers I propose a very realistic, down to earth movie grading scale. You can be your own movie critic, help others enjoy their movie watching experiences, and spend your dough wisely. Next time someone asks you how a movie was, try dropping it into one of the following buckets:

1. IMPORTANT PIECE OF ART* - I'd say this is the movie you should see in the theater, dollar movie, redbox, or 25 years later. Either because it was made perfectly, or it's message is timeless, or it's the most moving thing put to film. These probably make up 1% of what's generated every year. We probably have never heard of most of them cause they're too complex and mentally challenging for major box office consumption. P.S. These can sometimes be too heavy to be merely entertaining, but sometimes not.

2. SEE THIS ON A SATURDAY NIGHT* - Worth paying $9 to see on the big screen with 600 other people, and you'll need a tall sodie and some popcorn. Make a night of this, this is some GOOD entertainment! A solid movie that is cutting edge in it's delivery and is a whole lot of fun to see. Sometimes they won't be relevant in 2 years other than as a footnote in special effects history. But sometimes they'll stick around. Like Star Wars or Back To The Future.

3. MATINEE' / DOLLAR MOVIE - You've got time to kill. That's about it. 8 hour layover in Cincinnati? Wife out of town for the weekend? You have an outside sales job and you want to make your boss think you're working?** Dollar movie. Movies you knew you weren't gonna pay full price to see. Dollar movies are usually the ones that did pretty good when they were in the normal theaters. This is a category that you'll be surprised with. I saw Race On Witch Mountain, Fast Or Furious II, and The Knowing this way (I don't know the exact titles, but let's be serious.... it doesn't matter.) and I actually enjoyed them. I believe it's because my expectations were set appropriately low and my investment was minimal.

4. REDBOX - If they don't have these in your area I'm sorry. If they are and you aren't using them, then I'm just sorry for you. This is the perfect way to see a movie you never ever thought you'd watch. You're leaving Wal-mart at 11:30pm and you know you're not going to fall asleep anytime soon?... Redbox. You just ate McDonald's alone on a Friday night at 9pm and you pretty much hate yourself?**... Redbox. And it doesn't matter what you watch. At all. That's the point. You're way past that. You are lonely. You need to feel better about yourself. The best way I can think of is to fall asleep on the couch watching the crappiest movie ever made. It'll remind you that someone else out there is a total failure too. Most the time a quick web search will yield a promo code that gets you the movie for free. But PLEASE return it on time! Or you could end up spending $13 on a movie you didn't even finish watching.

This is a great option to see a movie for next to nothing or nothing. Or it's a great option if you're a cheap @$ Mormon. Myself being the latter. Day Saint. These things are a big hit in Utah! But even so, more people should use them to watch movies they are iffy on. Or a great way to get a movie to rip onto your computer and put on your ipod. Which I've never ever done.**

Anyways... which isn't a word. I've discovered mid-afternoon dollar movies and it's changed my whole perspective on stuff. I hope this is useful. I apologize if you've read this far and feel like you haven't learned anything useful. Unfortunately, since you didn't pay a dime for it, I can't give you a refund.

* I think these are the ones that should be part of your home collection.
** I have personally done these things.

The Ladies That Work At My Bank Of The West Branch Are SNOTFACES.

2009-05-22T10:34:00.000-07:00

ME: "Hello. I need some help with my account. I deposited a check from my tenant, made my mortgage payment, and apparently at the time you tried to get the funds from the other bank he didn't have enough in there. Anyway, can I speak to the branch manager or someone who can look into this for me?"

Bank Beast: "Ok. I'm sorry, who are you?"

ME: "Don't be sorry, I'm CRAIG!"

Bank Beast: "I'm the branch manager."

ME: "That's great..."

And yes, she had a foreign accent. She still hasn't learned that A) she works for me! and B) There is no way to say the words "I'm sorry, who are you?" that isn't offensive.

Customer service, my friends, is an endangered practice. It's under attack by middle-aged female immigrants!

Grandfury Updated...

2009-05-18T22:37:00.000-07:00

And we're baaack!

Go look at some of Jessie Bryner's sweet, sweet artwork... and some of my portrait photos of sweet, sweet Jessie Bryner. Grandfury Photoblog. To your right is a little taste of what awaits you.

Check out Jessie's arwork at her new website Jessie Bryner Art.

While you're at it.

Why don't you.

How Pet Names Are Like Emesis

2009-03-13T09:00:00.000-07:00

First I'd like to apologize for the picture and state that I used thesaurus.com to find a cool word for vomit. Also a DISCLAIMER*.

Oh gosh... how to approach this delicately. I'm sure to offend nearly all my readers, so I'll apologize to them in advance- Frank from Bethany, Oklahoma., Ricky from Falmouth, Maine, and Mary from Geismar, Louisiana.... Sorry if this post offends you. Sincerely. That covers everyone, I think. So here we go!

Your pet names for each other make me want to lay down on the ground, close my eyes, and pray for death. And I have a few good reasons, which I'll tell you about shortly. In private, you two can do whatever you damn well please, but for some reason when I hear pet names being used in public I feel like that person just threw up on their loved one and invited everyone to watch. And I am embarrassed for both of them.

"We need to return that DVD cutie-pie. Oh, and by the way, BLEEEEEEAAAAAAAUGHK!"

Vomit everywhere.

I'd like to explain how throwing up fits as a simile. I see two reasons:

1) A MASH-UP: I think that cutsie nicknames come from one's past experiences. From a lifetime of positive and negative relationships, and all the language and labels your parents and other defining figures used with each other- all mashed up and half digested. I really think that most people are incapable of processing their upbringing in an honest way. That's a problem in and of itself. But then they spit out these pet names not knowing where they're coming from or why they chose them. It's an emotional thing - a pet name- and I believe it comes from an emotional place in a person, inasmuch as these emotions relate to romantic feelings for others. And I believe this place is in some disarray for many of us. It all just seems very gut reaction and I think your loved ones deserves more than to have your undigested past (good or bad) plastered on them. They deserve thought and consideration. This is why a poem, song, or well written card is so meaningful. Because you took time to think about them instead of just spitting out the first thing that came to mind... like "babe" or "sweetie."

2) AN INSULT. I mean, can you think of a worse insult than throwing up on someone? I'm sure you can, actually, but please save it. My point is that it's personal. A) Often times we use silly nick names to compensate for a closeness in a burgeoning relationship where true intimacy is years away. You make the person "yours" by using a name for them that no one else uses. "We are so close... cause no one else calls him 'hot stuff.' And also he really is HOT STUFF!" B) You purposefully don't use their given name... because you don't like it. If your boyfriend's name is Allen for example, not only do I personally not like the sound of that name, but it is HELLA common. And your sweetie-poo is anything but common! C) But the biggest insult of all is the recycling of pet names. I've seen friends use the same nickname from one relationship to the next. I would love to tell your wife that you called your high school girlfriend "pumpkin" too and see her reaction. Not only are you not making her unique as mentioned above, but you are calling her the same exact thing you've called other love interests, which I understand to be a sore spot with some people.

(On a side note ladies, this insecurity business in relationships is ridiculous to me. I get the temptation to be jealous about his past girlfriends, but c'mon! What did you really expect him to be doing before he met you? Let's stop apologizing for this. HE PICKED YOU, DAMNIT!)

So I encourage everyone to just call eachother by their names, unless you have a really good reason not to. These arbitrary labels just scream insecurity and immaturity and douse your loved one in proverbial puke. And I think they deserve better from you.

Next week's relationship topic: How "baby talk" makes everyone else want to vomit on you and your girlfriend.

*This post is an exaggeration. I got the idea when I was already annoyed by something else and chose to take it out on this subject. Also, if I wrote a post called "This Isn't A Big Deal, But It Kind Of Bugs Me," that wouldn't be very entertaining. So hyperbole for amusement sake will prevail.

WHY WON'T SOMEONE GIVE ME A JOB DOING WHAT I LIKE TO DO?!

2009-01-16T16:15:00.000-08:00

Exhibit A) Photography

Exhibit B) Graphic Design/Making Videos

Roommates

Exhibit C) Website Design

Craig Tovey Photography

Dave Eaton Music

Eaton Alliance

Exhibit D) Blogging

(see previous posts)

I mean.... none of this stuff is really GREAT, but shoot, I taught myself how to do it and I did it in my spare time! C'mon!!! It's gotta be worth something.

"Woman gets 1 to 15 years in stabbing death"... well, DUH!

2008-12-05T08:11:00.000-08:00

Did it cross anyone's mind that sweet, sweet Bonnie Rae Harper wouldn't end up stabbing her husband to death? Did anybody doubt this is how things would end up for Bonnie? I am positive that if you saw this woman at a gas station (which is kind of her hang out) you'd take one look and think, "Wow, she is either on her way or just got back from killing her husband."

Although, to sweet Bonnie's credit it was kind of self defense... I mean, her drunk, abusive husband of 27 YEARS was choking her and had her pinned against the kitchen sink. Justification aside, we (that is, ALL of us from the Logan High School Class of '69) knew this day would come.. one way or another. She just always had that "I'm gonna stab someone someday," look about her.

We were so sure of it we created a new category when it came time to pick Senior Favorites... who knew we would be so dead on?!

We all just pray that she can get the help she needs in what could possibly be a SINGLE YEAR of incarceration. Great job Logan, Utah 1st District Court!
_____________________________________

P.S. Here's my favorite quote from the Salt Lake Tribune article. It's from the judge, Thomas L. Willmore. Bonnie's predisposition for viricide notwithstanding, it seems James Harper had it coming. C'mon, a little bit...

"Even though James Harper was an alcoholic, even though he was an abuser, even though he was a child molester, even though he was despicable at times and even though some may say, 'Evil,' it wasn't up to you to take his life. It's not your decision."

More Mutant Couples...

2008-10-27T09:30:00.001-07:00

My friend Todd Langston has a cat named George. I wonder what they might looked like if they got too "friendly?"

Another possibility of Karly and I. Poor girl.

Chris & Brooke are expecting a little girl named Olive... could she turn out like this? I pray she don't!

Olive?

What Will Our Kids Look Like?

2008-09-07T22:29:00.000-07:00

So Karly and I had a conversation some time back and were talking about what some of our friends Chris & Brooke's kids might look like. Mostly cause they look nothing alike. Which isn't bad. It's just that it got our minds going. So when we got home we found some pictures of them and started messing around in photoshop. With a little help from Gordon Peterson we got some ridiculous looking results as you can see. This of course was also done on the Conan O'Brien Show for several years. And I can't deny the Great Pale One's influence.

Well, I decided to keep going with it long after Karly and Gordon stopped thinking it was as funny. I might never stop being amused by it. A time I think i'll never forget is when Mike Pionke, Aaron Anderson and I defaced the back of Aaron's phone book. It was a group picture of Siegfried & Jensen. We were laughing like crazy, it was ridiculous. One guy was made to look like Elvis , another a clown, it was so dumb but I laughed so hard I was drooling. Aaron scanned it and I emailed it to the law firm. I never heard back if they liked it or not. Anyway... enjoy these mutant couples below. As you can see, over time i'm perfecting my craft. But I think the lesson I've learned in all this is that God does a much better job of combining the finer features of a couple than I ever could. And only He can help us if, heaven forbid, a child grew up to look like any one of these...

Chris & Brooke Barragan "Chrooke Barraton"

Craig & Karly Tovey "Kraily"

Jeffrey & Jessee Bryner "Jessrey" or "Poopsie Jr."

New Photoblog... GRANDFURY, it's official.

2008-09-04T10:29:00.000-07:00

Chizzeck the link to the right, y'all! It's been hiding out over there, but now I'm ready for peeps to peep it for rizzeal. This is where I'll be posting my photography, mainly. For an in depth explanation hit up the FIRST POST.

The name's origin, since you might ask, comes from a Plymouth that was used as New York's cop cars during the 80's as well as other fleet vehicles. (as seen below) It is also the name of an AIDS awareness group formed in 1988. And since police work and Aids activism are such huge passions of mine... I thought the name was fitting for my photoblog.

On a serious note, being as passionate as I am about stuff and as often as I get outraged at small things, I think the name is fitting and expresses something I can relate to. As a child I would get so mad I'd hold my breath til I passed out. Little has changed. So, I wanted to use "Gets Extremely Worked Up Over Nothing" or "Shakes His Tiny Fist At The Sky" but they lacked the snappy ring I was looking for. Plus, I really do like 70's & 80's cars. The Plymouth Gran Fury was introduced to the world in some form in 1970 and went out of production at its height in 1989. You see? It spans my favorite decades. One day I'll have one.

Anyway, check it out from time to time. And tell your friends...

On Our Wedding, Our Wedding, Our Wedding Day...

2008-09-02T09:59:00.000-07:00

$10 doll-hairs to whoever can name that song. Did I mention they are gold doll hairs?!!!

So we did it. Got married that is. Then we went to Italy on our honeymoon. It was very fun.

My brother-in-law Paul took pictures along with Karly's brother Nathan and her Dad Randy. This one of Paul's happens to be my favorite. I realize this blog has gotten to be a lot about pictures of Karly and I, so I'll try to steer it back to it's original direction sooner than later... that being to ralph my condescending, banal, half-baked theories and observations on friends and passers-by that don't deserve to be treated in such a way, but have elected to of their own volition by logging on to this blog. So wait for that to get started up again real soon.....

But yes, we got married. And all I can remember from the wedding (cause I was a little high! j/k) are two things: 1) How beautiful Karly and all the flowers and decorations were and 2) How I didn't have enough time to talk to all the people who came (some from a long distance). The latter memory fills me with some regret. So I want to take this moment to thank all my friends and family that came out to see me. You know who you are. I'm sorry I didn't get to talk to you more. Not for your sake, cause we all know how tiresome talking to me is, but for mine. I love the people in my life. Your presence at my wedding did not go unnoticed and it meant a lot and still does. Thank you so much for coming.

For those of you who could not attend (Bad, bad people! Shame on you!), you missed a great event. One of the highlights for me were the toasts. Yes, a little overindulgent, but I liked them and I don't care. Alex Kirry is a very close and important friend who could not make it. We decided to pre-record his toast and show it at the wedding. Always the entrepeneur, he took it in a direction that I didn't expect, but I'll let you see it for yourself. Here it is for your viewing pleasure. (Shot and edited by yours truly, of course.) The outtakes are pretty good too and can be seen on youtube as well. There will be a post coming soon about the honeymoon cause I know you all are dying to know how it was!

WEDDING DATE: FRIDAY August 15th, 2008

2008-07-31T14:39:00.001-07:00

For those of you that still read this blog... for who knows what reason, I have a correction to make. In my previous post regarding Karly and I's plans to wed, I listed the wedding date as Saturday Aug. 16th, when it is really FRIDAY AUGUST 15th. We were planing on getting announcements out sooner, but did not... Hopefully this doesn't throw a monkey, a wrench, or a monkey wrench into anyone's plans to attend this somewhat auspicious occasion.

A thousand apologies to you and your loved ones. Please consider still coming, and bring *cash* your appetite.

Humbly,
William Craig Tovey
(The Lesser of All Human Beings)

Great Quote Of The Day: Wednesday July 9th, 2008

2008-07-09T10:05:00.000-07:00

I have several friends that are moving all about the country for various reasons. New jobs, schooling, or escaping to/from family. I had a brief chat with a friend in regards to their new home in a new state...

"FRIEND:I'm pretty good at hating it. It sucks.

ME: Nobody hates it better than you do. Be proud of that.

FRIEND: I am. Everyone tells me I have a bad attitude, but I think they suck too."

I thought y'all might enjoy that. What makes it funny is that they weren't trying to be, I think they really meant it. But I think negativity is hilarious. I mean, look at the picture of this grumpy dog!!! How is that not a funny picture? "Hey Grumpy Dog, why you got such a bad attitude?! Come here, let me squeeze your face and rub your belly!" ...one might be prompted to say.

Not me of course, but someone else maybe. Someone really silly. Which I'm not.

To All The Ladies...

2008-07-01T09:45:00.000-07:00

SERIOUSLY, SO BLESSED

If you are female, Mormon, and you have a blog, you may want to go to the above link and read a while, and make sure it's not an exact copy of your own blog.

This dude, (And I know it's a dude writing it) has hit the nail on the head. I can't describe how refreshing it is to have someone capture all of the idiosyncrasies of the stereotypical female Mormon blogger.

"I love blogs with alliterations in their headings: the family's last name, followed by a real silly adjective describing just how zany their daily adventures are. In this, proper use of comma's somehow eludes me and all my friend's.

I love diet coke. But more than that, I love to talk (and blog) about how I know it's a WAY bad habit and I'm trying to cut back so I pretend that I only have one can a day. For some unknown reason, I love pretending a sugar-free soda is meth."

His character sometimes breaks into poignant self-deprecating commentary as seen above, which interrupts the illusion and underestimates his reader's ability to read between the lines, but I forgive him. It's so frickin' witty I can't stay mad.

My first inclination after reading this was to email the link to a bunch of ex-girlfriends and girls I know that this reminded me of and say, "Hey! This guy's talking about you!!!!!!!!!" But that would take this blog from being a fun parody into something vicious and mean. So I didn't. Instead I'm going to post it here.

So read on and laugh. And if some cognitive dissonance sets in as you realize this person has deftly sketched you and your friends... I might be smiling.

How Chris Barragan And I Became Movie Stars... Exhibit A "Roommates" 2008

2008-06-30T14:04:00.001-07:00

9 hours total.

1 hr - Come up with an idea. Talk about it.
4 hrs - Shoot it.
4 hrs - Edit it. (Imovie is so simple a really dumb baby could use it.)

Chris and I used to make dumb videos with eachother and his brother Johnny. (Maybe one day we can digitize them and I'll post those too. Cough! Johnny! Cough!) Since Chris moved back to Utah we've talked about reviving our old pastime and never gotten to it until now. I make no apologies for quality or content. This was for fun.... and was it ever FUN!

More to come. Enjoy.

P.S. If you click through and watch it ON youtube.com, won't you please take a moment to rate it. 4 stars, 5 stars, etc. Thank you. It'll make our fast-track to Hollywood.... even faster.

Have You Read This Guy's Blog???

2008-06-09T22:00:00.000-07:00

If not I highly recommend it. If you want a good review of a movie by one heck of a guy... look no further. Simply click on Jason's Movie Reviews and enjoy spoiler free, insightful, well written reviews. And here's the kicker... he doesn't think EVERYTHING sucks. He'll help set your expectations at the proper levels for optimal movie viewing enjoyment.

His blog's subtitle says it all... "Film Criticism and Comment on the Modern Cinema."

Amen, and A-MEN!

P.S. Who do you think took his sexy photo? Tell your friends...

I'm Not Jealous! I Really Think They Look Alike.

2008-04-29T14:53:00.000-07:00

I think THIS guy...

Kyle Korver of the Utah Jazz

Looks like THIS guy...

"Beast" from 1980's TV "Beauty & The Beast"

Mixed with a little of THIS guy...

Steven Tyler of Aerosmith

I mean, correct me if I'm wrong. Am I wrong? I don't think so.

W. Craig Tovey Grows Up Or: How I learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Girl

2008-04-19T15:42:00.000-07:00

"I'm 30, basically, time to grow up."
- Tim
BBC's The Office

Exhibit a.

Exhibit b.

They say everyone's story is different... and this is mine. When Karly (Exhibit b) and I (Exhibit a) first started dating (Halloween 2006) I didn't feel anything extra special. She was pretty, nice, very sweet, and we had fun hanging out together. I liked her a lot, but it was missing what I thought it needed and she was too young, and so the relationship had no future in my mind. And a few months later we broke up. But, a few months later we got back together and... a few months after that we broke up again. It was always her realizing the relationship wasn't progressing and deciding she'd had enough. On the third attempt I took it more seriously, but still hadn't changed my idea of how I should feel... (Which was a childhood version of love and marriage made from equal parts Hollywood and a 12 yr old's reaction to his parents divorce.) I thought that if I was open to the possibility of me and Karly, it would happen; the magical romance I'd built up over the years. It didn't and after a few months too many we broke up again. It was this time that I took a very serious look at myself. How was my single life going to end? What is going on with me? I've probably dated over 60 girls and met hundreds in the last 9 or so years... what am I looking for?

I started the arduous and painful task of converting my knowledge of REAL love and relationships into action. I slowly (very, VERY slowly) realized that all this had little to nothing to do with my feelings or doubts about Karly as a person and everything to do with my expectations of marriage. I realized that there is no one I've met that I'd rather start a family and the rest of my life with than Karly. Not only is she very easy on the eyes, but she is affectionate, loving, fun, easy going, adventurous, kind to others, loves the gospel, is an extremely hard worker, tough, has great taste, is ambitious and intelligent. She loves me in word and deed, supports my aspirations, and can stand my incessant talking. Laggardly, I began to believe the borrowed knowledge I'd been spouting off for years about what makes a happy marriage and I decided to act. (See exhibit c.)

Exhibit c.

This is a rooftop in downtown Salt Lake City that Karly had taken me to once to climb atop and watch a sunset. (You have to climb an old iron ladder affixed to the side of the 4 story building. If you fall you'd break lots and lots of bones or maybe die. I've freaked out both times we've done it. Going down is just as bad as going up. Karly, however, is pretty fearless.) I asked her out for Friday April 18th. We were broken up mind you, but we'd been talking. I bought a new lighting set up and told her I wanted to test it out on the rooftop taking some sunset pictures and whatnot. (You can see some of these pictures here.) Towards the end of the shoot I was setting the timer, jumping into the photo with her, since we have very few pictures together. On the last one after standing and looking though the camera freaking out for several minutes... I proposed with a ring I'd bought just hours before. The photo above is the actual moment. (I borrowed my inspiration from my brother-in-law Paul & sister Wendy.)

So it's done and I feel fantastic! Such a weight off my mind. Over-analyzing every relationship is tiring! I'm excited to be moving forward with my life, sharing it with a stupendous girl. We'll be sending out announcements and whatnot soon, but I wanted you all to know right away. We're planning on Saturday Aug. 16th in Salt Lake. Good news/bad news: We'll be getting married civilly. It will be a lovely ceremony and everyone will be able to attend, but not the ideal beginning I'd always imagined. Our goal, however, is to be sealed in the temple as soon as possible thereafter and we'll work towards that as a married couple. We're both very much active Mormons... with a little setback.

If you are reading this PLEASE take a moment to include your full name & address in a comment (or email it to me at craigtovey@gmail.com) and it will be my pleasure to send you an invitation. Everyone I know is invited to the ceremony and reception. Thanks y'all!

I Put The "M" In Open...

2008-04-08T13:35:00.000-07:00

With a seductive title like that, how can you not continue reading? Good question... I DON'T KNOW!

I've always been very interested in the diverse interpretation of the English language; from the many ways that native English speakers pronounce the words of their mother tongue, to the foreigner's slant, on down to the subtle nuances of regional accents here in the USA. I'll admit that I'm not in a position to speak authoritatively on this subject other than to note my personal observations. (If I had 10 lives to live on this earth I would spend one of them as a linguist. Maybe like my 6th or 7th life. Not high on the list but definitely before my 10th, which would be spent as a gypsy.) But I have some thoughts on it that I hope are not too banal.

I think everyone is slightly fascinated with the many English accents. Who doesn't love practicing their British accent? I believe everyone does it in private, but nowadays some people even do it in public. To illustrate a few accents, let's take the word "others." New Zealanders might say it, "uth-ehs," while an Irish lad might pronounce it, "utters," an American from Texas might say, "uh-thurrs." A Dutch man might say it, "uhzsherz." And a German might say it "otterz." As in "Ewe may haff foolt de otterz, but ewe haffn't foolt me." (Burbs, anyone? Anyone?)

They might say it like that, but I'm not sure. See, I'm not a linguist. Not in this life.

The big, obvious accents and pronunciations are fun, charming, and will surely provide a lifetime of humor and entertainment. But what I've found is just as interesting to me is the more subtle accents of these many United States. Why do New Yorkers sound so different from people from Wisconsin? Or why do West Coasters differ so much from Southerners? How do these accents develop? It's so bizarre! Are you telling me that if I took a group of people and inhabited an isolated geographical region that in 50 years or so, we'd have some weird accent that was recognizably different from the rest of the English speaking world? We'd even have our own slang and vocabulary? That's crazy. I mean, you'd think that books and TV would help more to anchor a language , so that people wouldn't drift too far from the original version. But they don't. At least not as much as I think they should.

For instance, when I moved to Utah from Northern California, I didn't perceive a distinguishable variance in pronunciation. I did notice some of the local slang and verbage. For years I was hung up on the peculiar words like "sluffing school," "fetch!," "hecka," and "pop." (The Californian equivalents of "cutting school," "freak!," "really," and "soda.") I was so focused on the words themselves that I didn't notice the way they said their words. I remember the first time I noticed the Utah accent. (Angie, forgive me for this) A good friend I met on the mission from St. George, one Sister Spendlove said something that jumped out to me.

"... so we started runningk super fast!"
"Wait, I'm sorry, what was that? Did you say runningk with a k?"

And the answer was yes, she did. I started to pay attention from that point forward and noticed that many native Utahans added the hard "G/K" type sound to the end of their words in gerund form. Particularly those in the more remote and/or rural areas. I was so proud of myself for noticing it. Flyingk, drivingk, singkingk. But there was more...

Old school Utahans pronounce the word measure as "mayzure." Pleasure as "playzure." And a personal favorite is the dill/deal, fill/feel confusion.

"He was so selfish, he didn't even think of my fillings."
"Your fillings? Like in your mouth?"
"No, my emotions. My fillings."

or
"I'm so happy about my new car. I got a great dill."
"Are you talking about a pickle or a vehicle?"

And I've had a great time these many years picking out all kinds of crazy Utah speech eccentricities... until the day I got a little tasty-poo of my own medicine! Thanks to Brooklyn Eaton, I discovered I have a speech impediment, or a weird regional accent, or I'm retarded. Here's how it was uncovered:

"Yeah, I went by and it wasn't ompen."
"What did you say?! (**laughter**) It wasn't what?!"
"Ompen?"
"Ohhhhm-pen?! Oh, that's great!" **more laughter**

I couldn't believe it. I had an accent! So after all my high and mighty snobbery, it turns out I am only human when it comes to speaking English. California, it turns out, is not the home of pure English as I had heretofore assumed. (Some say I pronounce "eggs" weird, but I don't hear it. Maybe I refuse to hear it.) As I move forward with my exploration of the English language and all its variety, I guess I'll have to keep an... ompen mind!

Get it?! Ompen mind?! Cause of what I said before... it's funny, right?! Right. So what are the accents and nuances that you've noticed of your fellow American English speakers? Have you found any words that you say funny? Please feel free to share.

Thank you. I'll take my answer off-air.

I Have Too Many Jobs & Too Many Cars: My Life, The Pendulum

2008-03-25T00:00:00.000-07:00

Mood: Melancholy. :(

I guess the title says it all. But you know I'm going to elaborate. I always do. Plus I can hear all the questions popping into your heads now, some relevant, some not:
"What does it all mean, Craig?"
"Well, how many do you have?"
"Would my boss know if I took a nap under my desk?"
"Why so many?"
"Can a female human being be any less attractive than Hillary Clinton?"
"Why would you blog about this?"
And finally...
"Hey Craig, who gives a #%@&?"

All questions will be answered in due time my precious pets. All in due time...

But let me first explain that my life is like an enormous swinging pendulum. As we all know a pendulum is an object attached to a pivot point and allowed to swing freely. When the pendulum is displaced from its place of rest, the restoring force will cause the pendulum to oscillate about the equilibrium position. (Wikipedia: Pendulum) For those of you who went to college, you've most assuredly seen one of these puppies in your science building, swinging into perpetuity as the world turns, i.e. as times passes.

Here is how my life is like an enormous swinging pendulum: I have an equilibrium position. But I will only swing by it as my life oscillates in predictable directions. I have noticed behavior patterns in my life that are on 6 month, 1 year, and even 3 year intervals. As the calendar enforces it's authority, I swing from one extreme of my behavior to another.

A few examples: 1) I have grown a mustache 2x a year, that lasts about 3 weeks, since at least 2002. I grow a beard directly preceding this. 2) My hair is short from mid October through February wen it starts to get shaggy. By mid-April (yes, it ALWAYS correlates with General Conference when I start to feel guilty about not being clean cut) my hair is short and tidy again. I then grow it out again until the next October. These are just a couple that relate to personal grooming, I could illustrate this point just as well with my romantic life, spirituality, career impulses, and physical fitness, among other things. Some things are on longer intervals (I have to knock down 3 pegs) and some are on shorter intervals (just one swing past the equilibrium point.) Very briefly do I find myself in a state of equilibrium; where I feel balanced, calm, even, and in control. I may not even notice these times because it is so fleeting and I am immediately on the rise to some kind of personal extreme. (Note: Before you start thinking I need some sort of anti-bipolar medication, check yo-self, lest you wreck yo-self. Ye without moods and patterns of behavior cast the first stone. I'm not talking about running for President one week and living in my sister's basement the next. I'm talking about subtle, yet predictable seasons of behavior.)

Now, this begs the question: Where and to what is my pivot point affixed? What is the constant from which my life draws its arc? How long and what defined the chord that limits my oscillating to a determined distance? These are good questions I've asked myself... and I will attempt a reasonable answer. I believe the pivot point, and the chord are defined by my personal experience, mixed with family genes, and God-given strengths and weaknesses. Part of what forged my pivot point or anchor is plain old Craig Toveyness. Heavenly Father dealt me a hand and this ain't 5 card draw. I got what I got and some things you can't change about yourself, However, this anchor is an alloy containing Mormonism, Faith, The Tovey Family upbringing and choices I've made along the way. I believe the product of these factors, some variable, some constant; some learned, some inherent; make up the point from which I swing and the degree to which I oscillate. The length of my chord and my pivot point are uniquely mine. There is no duplicate.

There is good news in case this all sounds too "predetermined destiny" for any of you. Like I mentioned above there are plenty of variable factors and personal choices involved in changing one's pivot point, chord length, and even weight of the "Bob", as they call it. (I didn't want to get that deep into the metaphor, but oh well.) You can change how much you swing. I should say "I" because I don't think the pendulum metaphor applies to everyone. I think there are some people that are fast, determined, balanced, and still. They don't swing at all. They're more like flagpoles! But that is not me, I've come to realize. And this is evidenced to me yet again by how many jobs and cars I currently have. (4 vehicles: '01 Volvo wagon, '94 Honda Accord, '70 Ford Pickup, '97 Scooter / 3 jobs: Advertising A.E., Carrabba's Waiter, Photographer) For those that know me, this is nothing shocking. My friends are often frustrated by my ever-changing life. Changing jobs, changing cars, changing apartments, changing girlfriends, changing hairdos, and sporadic travelling... all on a very predictable timetable.

I wouldn't be writing about this if it didn't frustrate me. A LOT. I always notice things about myself that frustrate my loved ones, but it is worthless them telling me, or discussing it until it frustrates ME. And it always eventually does. It is my life's struggle to get my personal pendulum to swing less widely and wildly; to try and hover more closely to my equilibrium point. A place I hope is much more peaceful and rewarding. I believe a few choices will upset the constant motion of my oscillation, one being marriage. This will bang into my swaying, predictable life and cause a major readjustment, hopefully resulting in a shorter arc. I think children will adjust it even further. These ideas scare me, because at 30 yrs old I have found a pattern that, although unfulfilling, is sustainable and comfortable.

This is what i'm thinking about these days... I need to sell a car or two.

Do you like classical?

2008-02-13T20:10:00.001-08:00

I posted this to test out a website I found. Alex, Dave, And I are thinking about restarting our podcast. I needed to find out a way to post our recorded sessions so that people could both listen to them and download them for later enjoyment. So I grabbed the first MP3 I could get from my music folders and went through the process. It works. I love it.

Next step is to create a new blog for our podcast. Stay tuned....

"Good Times" And Other Trite Phrases I Want To Murder

2008-02-07T14:46:00.000-08:00

I have issues. But we won't get into those... that's what I pay my therapist for. (Waaaay-OH! I've been watching a lot of Curb Your Enthusiasm and Jewish comedy culture has been rubbing off on me.) I have a particularly strong issue called, "I can't stand when a catch phrase hits a critical mass in our culture and EVERYONE is saying it like they made it up." I guess it really boils down to the fact that whenever people don't say things in their own words it bugs me. This is why the words "trite" "cliched" "hackneyed" and "banal" were invented. Because very early on in the development of language somebody got annoyed by people using the same phrases over and over again and said, "That's it! I'm gonna make up another word about unoriginal people! A word they'll never use because they suck SO bad." So I'm not onto anything new, I just want to point out HOW MUCH I hate it.

To be fair, however, I think we're all annoyed by this and guilty of it at the same time. I, for example, am annoyed by the following phrases:

"Good times, good times." - Every year or maybe more a new phrase hits the mainstream and people use it like it's going out of style, but sadly it isn't and it won't thanks to people who refuse to express themselves in a personalized way. This phrase is a fun little summary people like to use lately at work or in other awkward social situations, to wrap up a mediocre conversation that they think was sort of funny. It makes me want to put my head through my computer monitor.

"That's just sick & wrong." - This is one of a thousand phrases people insert mindlessly into conversations because it sounds quirky and cute and they don't want to expend the energy to say it some other interesting way. I use to work with a lady who said it all the time and it made me want to pry my eyes out with my stapler.

"In/out of the box." - There is another way to say this. There are words that sum up this entire thought in 2 or 3 syllables. Try "innovative" "creative" "unique" or "original" at your next meeting and see how they go over. You are sure to be seen as an "out of the box" thinker when you use words to describe your thoughts other than "out of the box."

Other hackneyed expressions worth mentioning:
"Oh, don't go there!"
"Another day in Paradise."
Anything said during the Redneck Comedy Tour.

A lot of mine are work related because I refuse to make friends with people who are cavalier with and abuse language. Or maybe they just use the ones I like. Because even though these kinds of phrases are like murder to my ears, there are others that don't bother me. I'm not aware of them, but I'm sure someone else is. I'm sure I say things all the time that make people want to crawl under their desk and die. We all definitely play favorites when it comes to trite phrases. But this is my blaawwwhhg (that's a word for example that I hate the sound of and it makes me feel mediocre to say it) and I get to post the ones that bug me.

I claim no originality in this post, but it's a subject that gets thrust to the forefront of my mind on a daily basis. I'll open this up to discussion a la' David Pulsipher. I know you guys have them. What are the words and phrases that make you want to lay a curse upon people's children? I'll take my answer off-air. Thank you.

It's Getting Hot In Hurrrrrr... So Give A Little Respect

2008-02-06T09:36:00.000-08:00

"I need you to get up,up on the dance floor! Give that man what he askin' for!"

I'm extremely picky when it comes to female artists. Everyone knows this. But while Googling one of my all-time favorite female voices I found this one... Jenny Owen Youngs. Is this old news? I feel like I'm way behind on this one, but I thought this video was pretty rad. I was looking for info on Harriet Wheeler of The Sundays, my favorite 90's band, and found this broad. I don't know how I feel about her stuff as a whole and I'm not IN LOVE necessarily with her voice, but this is a cool song. Also, I'm a sucker for folk/pop covers of hip hop songs.

Speaking of folk/indie covers and great female voices... there is a local Utah girl who I think is just as talented as Ms. Jenny Owen Youngs and her name is Libbie Linton. Her cover of "Little Respect" by Erasure literally brings me to tears. I did the sound at a couple shows she played with my friend Dave Eaton, and during this song I'd always put my monitoring headphones on and close my eyes.... and weep. (I was actually at this show when this video was recorded, sitting at the sound board... pretending something was in my eyes.) If you want to hear more, you can find her at Libbie Linton Myspace

Memory Loss / My Brain's Capacity

2008-02-05T11:30:00.000-08:00

What is the fastest land dwelling mammal?

I forgot. And why have I forgotten? Because immediately practical, ultimately useless information has displaced it. Information like how to customize my myspace page has bumped out something much more interesting. Classically trivial information, like the aforementioned mammal query, is being pounced upon, torn to shreds, and dragged into the woods by its limp neck to make room for boring I.T. knowledge like posting videos to a blog, myspace comments with HTML, and saving files on a network drive. And I think that's sad...

So I looked it up and found out that the Cheetah is still the fastest mammal. (Way to hold your title, Cheetah!) With an acceleration of 0 - 45mph in just 2 seconds, tops speeds in excess of 75mph, the Cheetah still blows the doors off its closest competitor the North American Pronghorn. Which, although slower than the Cheetah, can sustain its speed for much longer, like 4 min. The Cheetah can only last about 300 yds at top speed. :(

Now... having just refreshed my memory of this expendable bit of information, I have just forgotten the PIN for my debit card, how to tie a double Windsor, and who I took to Junior Prom. I have a theory. So listen up. I believe we all have a finite capacity for information. Forget all that "10% of our brains" bullcrap. Cause it's bullcrap! (Scroll down to Common Misconceptions on this link) Who can prove that anyway? it's a myth. The truth is that by the time you are 30 (which I am and have been for some time now. See here.) you have reached your limit. I am 30 and have now reached my capacity for information. Period. From this point on it's all shuffle and displacement. One thing in... another thing out.

To restate it again: I say that once you hit 30, every new thing you learn is replacing something else. You're losing something when you pick up that new bestseller or watch Oprah. Ask ourself... is it worth it? You may be forgetting your 10th birthday party if it isn't already gone. And you don't get to choose what you forget. Education has its costs, my friends. That's why I say you need to pick what you learn carefully. I would highly recommend wasting your free time. Given the choice, watch MTV instead of the Discovery Channel. Play Halo 2 instead of reading the newspaper. It's safer that way. Once a memory is gone... it's gone. Someone can tell you about it, attempting to "refresh your memory," but it won't be the same. You don't believe me? THINK ABOUT IT! I say the burden of proof lays on your shoulders. Good luck proving me wrong... my argument is ironclad.

Popular Comedy Formulas

2008-02-01T09:00:00.000-08:00

First of all I'd like to say that Dane Cook isn't funny. He just says stuff. Not funny stuff, just stuff. And to film his HBO specials, I think they played his tape for EVERYONE in the world and found 10,000 people out of the 6.6 billion that could make themselves laugh at his talking and gave them free tickets. I think these are the same people that saw Delta Farce with Larry The Cable Guy and didn't want to hang themselves afterwards. Granted, Dane is very animated when he talks about stuff, but still... it's not very funny. Sorry Dane Cook. But I did like you in Mr Brooks and Dan In Real Life. (Maybe stick to small acting roles? Hint: Avoid scripts like Good Luck Chuck. *wink* That bit of advice was free, next time it will cost you.)

Anyway... as per usual, I have started on a tangent. I don't really want to talk about Dane Cook. The only way he relates to my topic is that he could benefit from reading it to incorporate some humor, however formulaic into his routine. See I've noticed that most of us respond to and use some basic formulas in our humor. A lot of what makes something funny is the recognition of a formula and the anticipation of the punchline. Truly great comedians either create new formulas for us to learn and therefore anticipate, or they disguise the old ones with so much flair, quirkiness, and charisma that we don't realize it's the same old thing.

I don't pretend to know all the formulas. But the other day I had a chat online with David Pulsipher and he pointed out a comedic formula to me that got me thinking about the topic. So I started thinking about others... here are some of the few I came up with for your reading pleasure. I tried to translate these comedic "formulas" into mathematic formulas. Some of them worked and some of them... well, Dane Cook might as well have written them. These aren't necessarily the ones the big hitters use. You can find these ones being used in your own backyard. Here we go!

Childish Comparison
xy >= ab

"Ruby Tuesday? More like BoobyPoo's Gay! "

Clever Substitution
f(a+b), where (a) = (x), (b) = (y)

"I need to get up early and go to work, and by 'get up early' I mean 'sleep until noon', and by 'go to work' I mean 'watch 4 hours of soap operas & infomercials and eat a party sized bag of Cool Ranch Doritos.' "

Shocking Statement
(x) + "There! I said it!" or "yeah, I said it."

"I have a crush on Lindsey Lohan. There! I said it!"

"I think Mother Teresa was kind of an egomaniac... yeah, I said it."

related:

Defensive Revelation
So maybe I + (x) + so what?

"So I maybe spent my life savings on a blender I saw on TV, so what?"

Someone Called
(x) called they want (y) back.

"Hey man, Burt Reynolds called, he wants his mustache back.

The Old & The New
(b) = NEW(a)

"Jamie Lynn Spears is the new Brittney Spears"
or
"Skin tight tapered jeans that make girl's butt's look ENORMOUS are the new spandex."
or
"Those baggy, dance-pants, skirty/capris, drapes girls wear that are "really comfortable" are the new sweatpants... and they look just as terrible"

Anyway... it's a work in progress. If you cruise around the blogosphere, you might see a million or two blogs using one or more of the above formulas in their posts. And you can definitely find them in conversation around your more hipper circles of friends.

Does anyone have any additions to this list that they've noticed becoming increasingly popular? Please feel free to comment. Please?

Wedding Engagement Portrait Photography Provo Utah EXTRAVAGANZA!

2008-01-29T12:58:00.000-08:00

www.craigtovey.com

So basically I'm trying to see if I can get this post to show up when people search for photographers in Provo, Utah. Because I am a photographer in Provo, Utah who wants to take beautiful photographs of your special, special occasion. Wedding, engagement, family portrait, and much, much more! Like... if you want a portrait of all your G.I. Joes protesting the war in Iraq, or a high fashion photo shoot with your cat wearing a feather boa and a monacle. I will do it! I swear.

Anyway, I think if you include the right "keywords" enough (Wedding Engagement Portrait Photography Provo Utah) in the title or text of your webpage, it will be ranked higher by Google and Yahoo! But we'll see how this works out. I'm optimistic. Do me a favor and use some of the keywords you see in this post and type them into Google, then scroll down until you see my website and click on it! i swear it will take you right to this page. Awesome...

But really I am a photographer. I'll even include some recent pictures I took to prove it. Like this handsome couple (Wedding Engagement Portrait Photography Provo Utah) I took some pictures of on Sunday! Mikey & Britney. They are so in love... CAN ANYONE DENY IT?!

(Wedding Engagement Portrait Photography Provo Utah)
Sometimes I like to make my couples (or families) jump on to moving trains or cars for EXTRA DRAMATIC EFFECT!!!

Or sometimes I like to make them sit very, very still.... like robots recharging their batteries. Look at them! THEY LOVE IT!

(Wedding Engagement Portrait Photography Provo Utah)
I've even been known to tell them, "You sit in the gutter and like it!" AND THEY DO!

As you can see I know how to work a camera. And I know what the ladies like. ;) But that is for another post. So if you know anyone who needs pictures, I know how to take them. (Wedding Engagement Portrait Photography Provo Utah) And don't forget about the Craig Tovey Photography Referral Rewards Program! Any business you refer my way receives a 10% commission, minimum $20, no maximum. I'm just saying... THINK ABOUT IT!

That's all. For more photos go to my website: Craig Tovey Photography or my Flickr account.

Thanks you so many times. God bless. (Wedding Engagement Portrait Photography Provo Utah)

Gordon B. Hinckley: 97 1/2 Years of Radness

2008-01-28T12:44:00.000-08:00

I thought it was only right to share my thoughts on the recent passing of President Gordon B. Hinckley. (If you are unfamiliar with who he is, you can take a look at THIS PAGE on the LDS.org website... or I can have two very sharp-dressed, clean cut, young man with bicycles come directly to your home and tell you about him and much, much more ABSOLUTELY FREE! Just think about it., okay?)

I got the news last night from my sister Nancy and then a series of text messages from other friends and family. I wasn't surprised to be honest. I mean, I thought there would be a decline were he would be in the hospital or his health would slowly fail or something. And although he had recently had some health issues, they were very minor for his age. But it just happened - BOOM! It seemed very abrupt, but I wasn't shocked or surprised. I was immediately happy for him. Like many, I'm sure, my first thoughts were for the joy he's likely now experiencing being reunited with his wife Marjorie. I understand that he missed her sorely since her death in April, 2004. They were married in 1937 and were just days away from celebrating their 67th wedding anniversary when she passed away. Besides the reunion with his wife, I'm sure there are countless others - friends and family alike - that were elated to see him again. There's a party going on for sure right now.

And that's where my reflections paused and failed to progress until I turned on the TV and started watching KSL 5's hour long special on his life. As they recounted his many accomplishments and illustrated his outstanding character, I began to miss him. I got teary from time to time from touching moments and clever quotes that made me laugh. I've seen these kinds of programs before on President Hinckley, but this one got to me. I don't think anyone can argue that this wasn't a man about as close to perfect as a human being gets. Such integrity and character, amplified by an enormous love for his fellow man. I know we've heard all these things said of him and other prophets before, but I had the occasion last night to stop taking for granted that people like him exist. And I started appreciating how unique they really are. And although it might sound selfish, it lead me to a sobering and harrowing thought:

What will people say of me when I'm dead? I mean, I suppose I know what they'll say. They'll angelize me. Talk about how I was so selfless and giving, how I loved people, how I made the world a better place and it won't be the same without me, blah, blah, blah. And it will be a huge load of crap. Cause if they told the truth, they'd say how long-winded I was, how condescending I could be, how uptight I was about certain things, how sometimes I didn't like to be touched, how grouchy I am in the morning and generally moody the rest of the day, how picky and indecisive I was, how some of my actions I justified although they were a little dishonest, and they would speak of vanity. If you post a comment trying to compliment me, I'll delete it. That's not the point of this post. The point is that the average person (me) is pretty marginal and unremarkable if we're being honest. And when one fish from the Sea of The Average goes belly up, we lie about how marginal and unremarkable he was. And we don't just bend the truth, we make it sound like they were on par with saints and martyrs.

But Gordon Bitner Hinckley was one of the truly GREAT people that have lived on this earth. And when I say "great" I don't mean exceptionally talented or gifted in flashy ways like Shawn White or Steven Hawking. I'm thinking of the greatness that everyone can appreciate and recognize. Charity, commitment, integrity, loyalty, courage, sincerity. Imagine the self mastery that he possessed that you and I know nothing about. It's these things that deserve to be honored. And so I honor him. Because he did things that I only dream about. Things that matter. Not building temples, not traveling the world, not moving a religion forward in an increasingly hostile world, although those things are impressive. No, I dream of becoming half the MAN that Gordon B. Hinckley was. Have as courageous, half as committed, half as honest, half as loving.

I'll miss him. I'll miss him waving his cane, charming the press, being unbelievably optimistic and positive, and bearing his herculean testimony. I could have appreciated him more while he was here, but like Cinderella said, "Don't know what you got, 'till it's gone." (Cinderella... so wise!) But I am excited for the next generation of church leadership. Let's face it, Thomas S. Monson will be our next Prophet and I couldn't be happier. Another pillar of moral fiber, rectitude, and service- he'll be wonderful!

So while I'm sad that President Hinckley has passed on, I'm happy for him and the ranks he has joined of those that have passed this mortal contest successfully. Because of people like him, I'm inspired to do better and like he said to stand a little taller. Thank you President Hinckley...

Mitt Romney Looks Like A Young Bob Barker...

2008-01-23T10:00:00.000-08:00

Mitt Romney... COME ON DOWN! You're the richest presidential candidate on The Right is Right!

or

If you balance the federal budget within $.10 of actual retail price you could win... A NEW CAR!

I mean, am I right? The hair, the suit, the strong focus on the economy... the hair?! I'm still gonna vote for him. I'm just saying, look at them!

Are there any good jokes we can come up with relating Bob and "The Price Is Right" to Mitt and his Campaign for the White House? Alex? D. Pulsipher? Anyone?

P.S. I'm not the only one who thinks this. I found this after I came up with my idea... so there. Myspace page dedicated to Mitt as Price is Right Host.

Back by Popular Demand

2008-01-11T16:22:00.000-08:00

Both to blogging and to work.

Yes... it's true. I will not be living off of Uncle Sam any longer. Unemployment is about to run out and in the nick of time I have found a marvelous job. "But Craig," they'll say, "I thought you were going into photography and back to school, or on to whatever other scheme you rant about and then never do?" To which I'll reply: There's no time to explain! We'll discuss that later, we have to go rescue Sawyer and Kate from the polar bears! (That, by the way, is a little trick I picked up from Lost Season 3, which i just finished a few days ago. And they say being unemployed doesn't teach you anything... Shame on those people that say that!)

But about my new job, right? I mean, a new job is always exciting news to share and hear about. So check this out... I have one. And I like it. And it pays more than the government does, but also requires more work. Here's how it works:

I am working at Fuel Marketing in SLC, UT. It's a small advertising agency that I used to work a lot with whilst at the newspapers. I maintained contact with the partners while being a deadbeat welfare recipient and eventually they had an opening and offered me a job. It's mostly account management mixed with some sales and some media buying (newspaper mostly, go figure). So i have a decent base and some solid commission opportunities and really like the people I'm working with and for, but here's the kicker: I work from home 2-3 days a week! There is limited space available at their Sugarhouse office and so I offered the use of my home office. So i'm all jacked up on excitement to say the least. Not having to commute from Provo to Salt Lake is rad. Not having to wear pants at work is even better.

So that's good news. I'd also like to give a summary of what I did do while unemployed. I feel accountable to you my fellow taxpayer, since it could have been your dollars that sustained me for 5 1/2 months. So in no particular order here's what I accomplished.

1. Studied for and took the GRE. Got a good score.
2. Went to the United Kingdom and studied the culture and took portfolio building photos. (It was NO fun, ALL research and career oriented)
3. Invested in a 24" imac and Canon 40D camera and lenses. I say "invested" because i didn't exactly pay cash and I hope to someday make money from these purchases. By the way... PLEASE HIRE ME TO TAKE PICTURES!! PLEASE!!!
4. Got Craig Tovey Photography up and running. Including:
- Taking photos for and organizing my portfolio.
- Building my own website: craigtovey.com
- Designing and printing my business cards.
5. Started boxing lessons 3x a week. (This was for self defense so I don't get beat up walking from my car to my apartment when the Achafalya patrons exit the bar. Mostly the Samoan chicks.) I'm getting REAL tuff!
6. Yes, I did apply for several jobs and even went to some interviews. So off my back please.
7. And let's see... Shoot, what else?... what else, what else, what else... That might be it.

As for my plans and schemes to never return to work and make it big in photography, i still dream of it, but recognize it takes time to build a business in picture taking. For the time being i hope it will become a supplemental income and satisfy my creative desire. I've already become the agency's photographer, so it's only upward and onward from here.

As for my plans to go back to school and obtain an advanced degree, it's still in the mix. For the time being i need to make some damn money, and since I still don't know precisely what i want to study, i'll hold off. I want to get to it soon, but I want to put my time and money into the right school and degree. I'm thinking psychology, but it might be communications or an MBA in marketing. I got the GRE out of the way which was a big obstacle for me. So now i can start applications at any time i choose. Nice.

So there's an update. Now that I'm employed and will be spending most days in front of a computer again, I imagine i'll be blogging more. Hopefully, cause i miss it.

Thank you and goodnight.

Out With The New, In With The Old

2007-12-03T16:39:00.000-08:00

Yes, I realize I am only hurting myself when I don't post for ages. And for my own sake, I have resolved to do better and posting more consistently. Why wait until January to make new resolutions? Which, by the way, is actually a resolution I had from Jan '07: "Start making New Year's Resolutions earlier this year for '08." Perfect. I'm right on schedule.

But I apologize, because despite the title and introductory paragraph, I am not writing about New Year's Resolutions at this magic moment. Today's topic is way less meaningful. I want to talk about my car situation. Cause sometimes when you don't have something to talk about, you talk about nothing. I just started thinking about what's new in my life that I could share with any readers I have left. There's plenty of other stuff. For example i finally took and scored fairly well on the GRE recently, so I'm proud of myself for that. Some of you know how long I've been planning (see "talking") on taking that test. It's nice to have it over. I'm still unemployed and LOVING IT!!! But even better.... I'm selling my Volvo and buying a Honda!

These are some ugly times we live in and it calls for some even uglier measures. (For the Italians out there I quote La Vita E' Bella : "Questi son tempi brutti, MA BRUTTI, BRUTTI!") First of all, all of my problems are George W. Bush's fault. The most vexing being the cost of petroleum distillate refined for automobiles bought by the gallon. And it's probably his fault Volvo's are so expensive to fix, and when I had President George Bush change my transmission fluid I think he put motor oil or something in, because now it needs to be replaced.

THE NEW:

I own a 2001 Volvo V70 T5. It's black ,and sleek, and comfortable, and fast. And it looks a lot more expensive than it is, so the ladies like it. *wink* I like it. And not just, I like it, but I like it-like it. You get what I'm saying? But I need to sell my Volvo, unfortunately, because the transmission is about to crap out and is lots of $$ to fix, and the payment is higher than i'd like, and I need to get better mileage. So after literally minutes of thought i decided i wanted a HONDA again. So here it is...

THE OLD:

This is a 1994 Honda Accord EX. It's green, and sleek,and comfortable, and looks fast! And it looks like more of a rice rocket than it is. I like it. At least I think I will. I've never known anyone who regretted buying an Accord, but I've known several that regretted selling them. This one has been well maintained and has very low miles considering it's 13 yrs old. (111k, less than 10k per year. Nice!) It's been lowered, and those are 17" rims you're staring at! Wow! Other than that it's totally stock. The leather seats have been reupholstered.. so that's good too. The best part about this car is that it fit into a long running motif with me and cars. I love to drive cars that don't really fit my personality and make my friends uncomfortable. Also, the pattern of changing cars every 6 months is as per usual as well.

So I hope you will all help me welcome this new (old) car into my life and make it feel comfortable for the next several months while i own it. Thank you.

"With Sour Cream?! Ha Ha Ha Ha!"

2007-11-16T11:12:00.000-08:00

I know what you're thinking: "I like Craig. He's an okay guy. Keeps his nose clean, doesn't offend me too often. Doesn't ask to borrow money... Sometimes he's funny, sometimes he's long-winded, but I got no problems hanging out with him from time to time."

But would you feel the same if I looked like Violet Beauregarde from Willy Wonka?!

I don't know why I did this... it took way too long.

To All My Mormon Peoples / The Strata of Truth Theory

2007-11-11T12:28:00.000-08:00

The post you are about to read and my last entry about my job history have two things in common: 1) They relate to a religious / spiritual theme and 2) I stole the idea from another blog. This time I stole the topic from my brother-in-law’s blog Another Man’s Treasure. Paul Malan is an excellent writer, inquisitive thinker, and talented photographer, among other things. He writes about his family (my sister and niece and nephews), his hobbies, his unique experiences, and frequently on his questions, pondering, and musings about life as a Mormon, both in Utah and at large. He recently posted an entry called “Group Belief” that deals with the assumed homogeneity of belief in the Mormon community. You should go read it, along with his other posts. He makes consistently interesting points and reflections. In this post I will be responding to the ideas presented in his post. (I started commenting on his blog, but it got really long and I decided to make a post of it.) I haven’t really written about religion before so I’m curious to see the response.

As I age and see my Mormon friends and acquaintances diverge on points of doctrine and belief, this topic of “Group Belief” is beginning to show its face more and more. At first it caused me to experience some cognitive dissonance to think that Mormons held varying beliefs on several points of "truth." I didn't like the idea that we weren't a united people on every single issue. (It all started when I had my first Democratic Mormon girlfriend.) For it seems the Gospel is all encompassing and details every thing we need to have an opinion on. From the scriptures and conference talks to the teachings of Joseph Smith and Brigham Young, and all the Sunday School manuals, we have covered pretty much everything in the world, right? And once you understand these teachings all the opinions you extrapolate thereafter, it seems, are self-evident. So when someone doesn't agree with you you think they are struggling with their testimony.

This is the issue! This is the reason we pick at each other in Sunday School and try to “correct” one another in that condescending, passive aggressive manner that drives me nuts. To reconcile this mess I've accepted as valid the "Strata of Truth Theory." (I don't know if it's really named that, but I like to name stuff.) I didn’t make this up. I heard it somewhere. Church, institute, college... who knows? But that’s not important; the ideas are. Basically, think of truth as strata (layers) similar to the Earth’s make up. The inner core, outer core, mantle, crust, and all the way up to bodies of water, mountains, volcanoes, wind, fire, etc. Now think of these strata in terms of movement and activity. As you go from the core of the Earth up to streams and hills and whatnots the activity is much more susceptible to change and movement. The core doesn't move and never has (as far as we know), while wind and water can change the most outer surfaces of the Earth in minutes.

This, I surmise, is like the Gospel / the Truth of things. There are some doctrine and principles that never move, never change. They are like the core of the Earth. Immutable truths. Most people think that everything in the gospel is the core. It's not and that’s the problem. I would say that the atonement is at the core and the basics of the Plan of Salvation: Christ's atoning for our sins, resurrection, our personal identity as sons and daughters of God, our purpose here on Earth to gain bodies, be tried and tested, the final judgment, mercy, justice, eternal reward and progression. These are the core.

Now, I can't say exactly where everything falls, but I think this model can give us a general idea as to where things fall and how upset we should get over them. Suffice it to say that many, many things are on the mantle or crust, subject to seismic activity and change. God moves these things around as he sees fit. They are commutable truths that don't change the core, but are still very important. I would put Polygamy there, the Word of Wisdom also. Two examples of practices in the church that were truth one day and gone the next or vice versa in the case of the Word of Wisdom. The mantle and crust of truth are formed and manipulated for our time and generation. We must obey them, but don't get too attached, they could be gone in a 100 years.

Above this still, on the rocks and streams level, are the trivial non-doctrine things that we often fret over: white shirts and passing the sacrament, earrings, rated R movies, caffeine, or even less important is speculation about food in heaven, or other weird ideas some people care about. Think about most of the temple recommend interview questions. Do you believe in God, Jesus Christ, the Atonement, revelation, the divine origin of the Church, the law of Chastity... I believe those things to be at the core. The Word of Wisdom and tithing aren’t. Those are laws imposed specifically for our time. For our own good and learning. They are very important now, but they will go away eventually. The Law of Consecration will annul tithing and the resurrection will obviate the need for a Word of Wisdom. I’m just saying that those laws aren’t the core. The principles behind them are probably closer: sacrifice, agency, bending your will to God’s, faith, showing respect to the gifts God’s given us. What truths will remain after the Second Coming? I think this can help us sort what’s eternal truth (core) and what’s practical truth (crust/surface.)

On the small things the brethren have given sound advice, but use your best judgment. And just because they are the smaller things doesn't mean you should disregard them and take them lightly. This can lead to a lax attitude that can spill over into more important things. Make a good decision about them, just keep them in perspective, and don't get upset about what other people have decided in their regard. And the even smaller stuff, just laugh off. Whether or not we’ll eat food in heaven...give me a break.

So I guess my point is that I have wasted a lot of time worrying about these smaller things and neglecting the more important ones. Like charity, love, faith, service, humility, sacrifice, repentance, hope. Focus your energy on the core and give each successive strata its apposite due. I think you'll find the most dogmatic religious persons (in or out of the church) usually spend copious amounts of energy on these surface matters and severely lack in the more important attributes heretofore itemized. Conversely, the most humble and Christ-like people you know usually don’t sweat the small stuff or exhort you to.

Similarly, there is another troubling point that many good Mormons grapple with: The history of the Church. Why Joseph Smith did this, why Brigham Young said that, why this doctrine was truth one minute and grounds for excommunication the next. The Strata of Truth Theory also helps us understands God's dealings with humanity from the dawn of time until the present. Things have seemed to change drastically. He has asked his prophets and people to live in strange ways and do strange things. Strata, my friends. The core was still the same, but the mantle was shifted in a way that fit that time and its inherently unique circumstances. I think this will help the Mormons with intellectual reservations about the Church's apparent inconsistency in doctrine, as well as those troubled by the spectrum of belief within the Church. Put yourself in God's shoes (as unassuming and reverently as possible) and think about how you deal with your children. (those that have them, the rest of you just use your imagination) The story changes. You tailor the experience of every child to their individual strengths, weaknesses, and proclivities. The message is the same, but it's dressed differently. Now imagine each of your children represent the population of the earth during a given era. Complicated. You give the message that's best for the majority. THAT is the perfect way to do things.

Right and wrong, truth and error, doctrine and good ideas all fall within shifting strata of truth. The immutable truths, doctrine and principles at the core, the laws in the mantle, and the programs and good advice on the crust and opinions and fluff moving about on the surface. Weak human analogies and metaphors can’t explain God’s dealings completely. The Strata of Truth Theory is not perfect, but it gives a solid lens through which we can view the world and hopefully not waste our time at each other’s necks squabbling over trivial points. As Mormons I think we are far too uptight (more so in Utah, but it is present everywhere I’ve lived and attended church) which has lead me to hate my own culture and people. I hope these ideas will help remedy that. Where I have placed specific ideas and doctrine are a work in progress, so I don’t want to debate over them, but what do you guys think? Am I falling away? Is this false doctrine?

Thanks for your patience. I know this was heck of long. And thanks to Paul for introducing such a stimulating topic.

By The Sweat Of Thy Face Shalt Thou Eat Thy Bread...

2007-11-10T09:54:00.000-08:00

And believe me, I sweat. And eat bread. And how!

Ok, so I was reading a person's blog who I barely know (some might call it blog "stalking," but we both know better, don't we? We both know, you and I , that's bull****; that if you put something on the Intranets you are basically inviting EVERYONE IN THE WORLD with computer access to view it. I think some people who want stalkers REALLY bad made these terms up: "blog stalker," "myspace stalker." Whatever, stop flattering yourself!), which i do from time to time because some of their posts are pretty entertaining. Anyway, there was like a survey thing they had filled out and i liked the one question, or entry, or whatever about listing the jobs they have held. It made me think about how many damn jobs I've had. I feel like it's been seriously tons. So for those interested I will list them to the best of my memory. I would put my age, but i think that might spoil the fun. I invite you all to imagine me doing all these jobs now. Truth of the matter is that any of them are real possibilities at this point.

Craig Tovey's REAL resume:
1. Yardwork for neighbors Paradise, CA (I got paid!)
2. JP's California Deli Paradise, CA - Cleaning floors
3. Jack In The Box Paradise, CA - Flipping burgers
4. Full Yard Service (hauling, clearing, mowing, cleaning gutters, etc)
5. Chevron Car Wash Rexburg, ID
6. Shasta's Diner Rexburg, ID - Dish Washer
7. Rise, Inc. Provo, UT - Care Giver
8. College Pro Provo, UT - House Painter
9. Danville Services Provo, UT - Care Giver
10. NightMoves Mobile DJ's Anaheim, CA - DJ
11. Dry Cleaning Coupon Books Costa Mesa, CA- Door to door sales
12. American Gear Pro Audio Long Beach, CA - Phone sales
13. Black Angus Provo, UT - Server
14. Nordstrom Mission Viejo, CA - Men's Apparel Sales
15. Chili's Mission Viejo, CA / Provo, UT / Aliso Viejo, CA / American Fork, UT - Server
16. AT&T (Procom) Provo, UT - Door to door sales
17. The Daily Universe Provo, UT - Graphics Editor
18. College Hospital Costa Mesa, CA - Mental Health Worker
19. Pro Audio DJ Irvine, CA - DJ
20. Princess Cruises - Teen DJ, Teen Staff
21. Carden Academy Mission Viejo, CA - PE/Computer Teacher
22. Landmark Home Interiors Redondo Beach, CA - Deliveries / Sales
23. X Cell Wireless Lehi, UT - Co-owner / Operator
24. MediaOne of Utah (NAC) SLC, UT - Account Executive
25. Craig Tovey Photography Provo, UT - Photographer For Hire

So there you have it. The story my future employers will never know. I hope it was worth the time you took to read it. Thanks for stopping by, even if you never comment. You are welcome here...

I Lost 11 lbs In 4 Days But Still Didn't Win.

2007-11-06T11:48:00.000-08:00

So i took part in a weight loss contest (a la "Biggest Loser") that was organized by Jimmy Eaton in an attempt to help motivate himself to lose some excess pounds. He recruited all of his chubby friends and charged them a $50 buy-in. it was a 3 month contest and the man who lost the greatest % of body weight was the winner. The 1st place prize was $400. I thought that was pretty sizable and quite motivational. The first 2 weeks to month is when everyone made their greatest strides. Exercising, dieting and whatnot. It was really anyone's game at that point. But then of course, month 2 is when everyone pretty much forgot they where in a contest entirely except for a select few. I remembered and gave a mediocre effort to keep my weight at bay.

I started out at 218 lbs and within the first month was down to 209 lbs. From then on I was stuck there. I still worked out and tried to eat better, but no more weight came off. Around Oct. 15th (about 3 weeks from final weigh in) or so I started to get more serious and about Oct. 29th I got real serious and lost about 3 more lbs. On Wednesday Oct. 31st i weighed 206 lbs. Friday I fasted from lunch on. But here's the kicker... I got a great tip from Gordon Peterson and on Saturday morning I got up at 6:30 and went to the gym. From 7am on I spit into a cup as much as possible. Dressed in long sleeve shirt, sweats, hoodie, and beanie I ran for 25 minutes (still spitting the whole time.) I then went into the sauna for 50 minutes fully clothed. I had two tootsie pops to keep me company and continued to spit into a bottle. As time went on I started to disrobe until I was down to just my sweatpants and shoes. It was hell of hot.

I wasn't sure how much this was going to help, and was prepared to be really pissed if I didn't lose some serious weight from it. When i got to Jimmy's house i was informed that Allen, one of the other contestants had gone from 229 to 202. I was scared, but thought maybe I had a chance. After a quick visit to the restroom and stripping down to just running shorts i weighed in... at 195 lbs!!! I had lost at least 10 lbs in water weight!! BUT... slow and steady wins the race and Allen still took first. I lost 10.5% of my body weight and he lost 11.5%. A hole. I left with $75 bucks.
So of course I ran home and took some photos. My mentality was basically, "Quick! I'm skinny! Take a picture!" That is what you're looking at above. I haven't been under 200 lbs in like 3 years, so that was a fun experience.

But here's the moral. If you are drafted into a weight loss contest, call me before the first weigh in and I'll give you the tips on how to sweep that puppy. Next time I enter one of these things I will kill everyone.

A Giant Has Fallen And My Singlehood Is Bearing The Weight.

2007-10-27T13:04:00.000-07:00

A veritable pillar in the single community has crumbled this past week and it sent tremors through the far reaches of Singledom. Some said it wouldn't be done, some said it COULDN'T be done. But you know the world has turned on its head when DAVE EATON GETS MARRIED. The guy who made it OK to be age-ed, Mormon, and single has "abandon[ed] the phantoms and false enchantments of [his] former life." As he puts it. And with one extremely adroit step, he forced the rest of us holding strong to reexamine what the h*** we are doing with our lives.

For those of you who don't know him (are there any left?) Dave was as synonymous with "single" as Britney Spears is with "hillbilly" or Hillary Clinton with "completely unattractive female." At 33 he was the oldest single dude I've ever known. Many were the nights and long were the conversations when we used to deliberate and pontificate about how it might never happen for either of us, knowing full well how picky, complicated, arrogant, objective, shrewd, and convoluted we both are when it comes to relationships. And add to that the fact that we had been inured to the single life and satisfied with the freedom it afforded us. But... the world is an ever changing place and luckily not always for the worse. As big a shock as it is to see Dave Eaton wed, I couldn't be happier for him. And I've already seen how this commitment has begun to soften and shape him into a better man. It is the only way any of us can reach our maximum potential. A man cannot rise to his full height unfettered and philandering. Marriage is the next step in our individual evolution.

And so, as you might guess, this momentous occasion has caused me reflection and some cognitive dissonance. But in a very good way. And to be quite honest it happens a little with every friend I've seen get married, but this one is different. Dave Eaton was the poster-child for single men everywhere. It used to be you could count on 3 truths in this world: The sun rises in the east and sets in the west, an American team will win the World Series of Baseball, and Dave Eaton is single. Now that my tripod of truth has had a serious amputation... I don't know what's true anymore. I'm left to sort it out alone. But let me just say for the record, congratulations Dave. Me love you long time.

Now enjoy some pictures from the wedding held at the Red Cliffs Lodge in beautiful Moab, UT. taken by Yours Mothereffing Truly.

For more pictures go to My Flickr Page.

Oops... I Did It Again. (And By "Did It" I Mean Bought This Voltron Action Figure And By "Again" I Mean NOT Again, Just This One TIme.

2007-10-11T00:25:00.000-07:00

So I was window shopping (in cyberspace) and I got the hot idea to look for this coveted piece of 80's childhood memories. And YADDA, YADDA, YADDA, $90 later, I now own it.

"But Craig," they'll all shriek, "you're unemployed and $90 *plus shipping* is a lot of bread!" To which I'll reply, "Stop using 70's slang for currency, it ages you." And then my real defense, which is this... I am a victim. Like the obese lady suing McDonalds for making her fat, I am a victim!!!

Oh, you want me to explain what I YADDA, YADDA, YADDA'D through earlier? Ok. Well... I was minding my own business snooping around eBay, just checking out the sales, when I was accosted by Voltron! Attacked, as it were, by this die-cast "Defender of the Universe." Assailed, I tell you, on TWO psychological levels! And who am I, mere mortal that I be, to resist?! Hark! Allow me now, if I may, to elucidate the aforementioned levels.

Level 1: A Deprived Childhood. Not only was this toy the stuff dreams were made of for kids in the 80's, but it was literally what my dreams were made of! It's one of the few dreams I remember from my childhood. And I mean real, sleepy time, unconscious, visions of the night. I had REAL, actual dreams about Voltron. Little Craig... 4th of 7 children, all forgotten and middle child-y, sharing a room with his 2 brothers. Sharing clothes with his 2 brothers, sharing his toys with 2 brothers, and sharing his portion of his Father's income with 2 brothers. Which meant NO cool toys growing up. One time I got a Dino-bot Transformer and just my luck some jack-ass in my third grade class stole it from me. (Don't worry, I knocked him down and jumped on his back at recess one time. We're pretty even.) That fiasco aside, I didn't stand so much as a chance of owning the right leg of my dream toy Voltron. And now that you understand the emotional baggage, you'll understand what seized me when I found this item on eBay this morning. This runs deep. Voltron is a part of my poor kid psyche. I never stood a chance. And if that weren't bad enough...

Level 2: EBay Bidding Rage. They know what they're doing with that huge red "X" they throw in your face. "You've been outbid!" They taunt you. Call you chicken. And so you say back, "Oh yeah?! What about this?!" and you raise the price $10 or $20. And by the time you realize you should have set a limit on what the item is really worth to you, you are the new high bidder and the deed is done. It all happens so fast...

So you see I wasn't in complete control during this whole ordeal. So I have an excuse. But I'm not saying I'm sad about it because hey! I have a mint condition, still in it's original package, Voltron action figure! I think this thing is marvelous! And I can always sell it again on eBay or KSL.com if I decide I need the money back. But who am I kidding? This puppy is going on my shelf. And who else am I kidding? It's coming out of that original packaging to breath some fresh air and start defending the universe already. As is its DESTINY!

So... am I alone here? Is there anyone out here who has a childhood toy or dream that they would pay a little too much money to possess or see fulfilled? I invite you to share them with me. How about you David? You could get that My Little Pony collectors set you always talk about.

Never Use DHL. Ever.

2007-10-08T12:17:00.000-07:00

"Statistics say that if someone has a positive experience with your business they'll tell 5 people. If they have a negative experience they'll tell 9." -Training video, BBC's The Office

This is my attempt to combat poor service with free speech. DHL is the Cricket of package delivery, the Dish Network of shipping. (If any of you've dealt with those other companies than you'll understand what I'm talking bout.) Meaning they don't know what's going on inside their own business and talking to someone on the phone is useless. Every time you call in it's a whole new story and new set of broken promises. :(
I was supposed to receive my new camera last Thursday and made sure someone was at my house in Provo to sign for it. But DHL couldn't find the address. We get mail everyday from the USPS and UPS. To give you a visual, on our entire block there are exactly TWO doors and the mailboxes are within inches of those doors. Anyone walking down the street can tell where the residents on that block get their mail. But the driver for DHL, who no doubt just recently left Wal-mart as a checker, could not. After making a call in and complaining they asked me to "verify" my address. I did so by saying, "No, it's correct. They just didn't try hard enough." I told them i needed to know an approximate time it would be delivered the next day. They said they'd call me within the hour. THE NEXT MORNING, after no phone call, I called in and asked to be given a time frame when the package would be there so I could coordinate someone to be there. But oops, they had already stopped by and tried to deliver it again!
At this point i was able to speak with a person in Utah who actually possessed the package. After a lengthy explanation, she decided to forward the package to me here in Las Vegas the next day (this was Friday, so that meant it would have gotten here Saturday) at no charge. I was stoked. DHL was like the prodigal son returning home and I was ready to prepare a feast. When it didn't arrive Saturday I put the fattened calf back in its stall and made another phone call. I was told it would be here BEFORE noon on Monday. (I think they just make this stuff up.) So a couple minutes ago I called to ask where it was. "It wasn't taken by any drivers today, so it will b delivered tomorrow."
So now, I'm about to go drive down to the DHL facility here in Vegas and pick the package up myself. For anybody who's still reading... just use UPS. THAT is the moral of this story. Just use UPS. I want to believe in the new business giving the established giant a run for its money (By the way, I was all for Jetblue until they raised their rates... now I want them to die.) but in this case, when you need something delivered on time, if it ain't broke don't fix it.

Tell your friends.

UK 2007: Return to the Motherland

2007-09-03T18:32:00.000-07:00

A lovely Scottish Sunset...

For anyone who cares what I do or think about, which is most of you since you're reading this, i just returned from a 10 day, hastily decided upon, poorly planned trip to Great Britain. I went with a couple long time friends Brian Sutton and Tyler Willardson who, bless their hearts, elected to travel with me (despite both having previously experienced that little treasure and most likely against their better judgment) and who did not know one another. Despite these handicaps the trip went rather well.
I was really excited to go since the bulk of my ancestry originates from the British isles, mostly Wales and Scotland. (I think.) Tovey is a Welsh name and so is my mother's maiden name Meigs. So going to my personal "motherland" was a little sentimental for me. And I'm glad i went. I won't go into a detailed explanation of my travel log here other than to list the towns we visited in chronological order. Then I'll let the pictures i took do all the talking. I really wanted this to be a photo journey for me, but being in the company of others it's not ideal to stop and take loads of pictures. Nonetheless, i took 750. This new digital age is something else. (I calculate that to buy the film, develop it, make single prints, and a CD of 750 images would have cost me about $416; half the cost of my camera.)
Anyways... here's where we went in chronological order:
LONDON
Cardiff, WALES
Merthyr Tydfill, WALES
Monmouth, WALES
Manchester, ENGLAND
Edinburgh, SCOTLAND
St. Andrews, Dundee, Stonehaven, Aberdeen SCOTLAND
Glascow, SCOTLAND
Liverpool, ENGLAND
LONDON

Now enjoy some pictures...

Woman in Manchester playing Accordion... she was terrible. I gave her a pound anyway.

The Tree Drain in Aberdeen, Scotland

Our Renault rental car. Shifting with your left hand is weird.

The owner of our "bed & breakfast" in Edinburgh. Very proud of her Irish fiver. What a dive.

Overlooking Edinburgh. Atop this mountain is where Orson Pratt dedicated Scotland for missionary work.

Brian on steps in Edinburgh

The Royal British Hotel in Edinburgh. For some reason I just liked this picture....

We stopped to take pictures of the sunset in Scotland. Climbed over this rock wall to do so.

Tyler Willardson can shred.

Time elapsed photo of "Big Ben." A double decker bus passed by... but luckily didn't "crash into us."

"Caerdydd, Cymru"... That's Cardiff, Wales to You and Me.

2007-08-25T10:41:00.000-07:00

So, we have arrived. After a lively layover in Minneapolis, MN we finally made it to London's Gatwick Intl Airport... tired as hell. We rented our car and met up with Ty Willardson, who was delayed a few hours after being ruffed up by immigration. (He's visited for two days a month ago and that made him suspect for illegal immigration or something.) We hoped into our car and onto the left side of the road and spent the next 4 hours driving to Cardiff, Wales where everything is written in English and Welsh. It's required by law. I guess after the English concoured Wales they made it illegal to speak Welsh and the language was all but extinct. So they legislated it the other way around a while back.

Anyway, we've been here a full day now and are going to leave tonight to head up to Preston England... or something. I'm not sure. The details of our trip are still a bit fuzzy. But so far it's been pretty cool. We all slept in until 11 this morning cause we were hammered... that was even cooler. But below are some of the pictures I've gotten so far. Nothing too amazing.

Brian Sutton - Cardiff

Just a little bookshop in a shopping "arcade." Nope, no video games. I checked.

"Just a couple of pints for me then... NOT!"

Some dude selling onions from his bike I guess.

They were some sweet and tender hooligans.

Craig Tovey - Cardiff Castle

The best tour guide money can buy! He told us not to take pictures at the beginning and then just patted me on the back and said, "It's alright then, I'm not gonna stop you" when he caught me doing it anyway.

Just as it appears... some flowers and the Welsh flag above the Cardiff Castle.

More of the same...

That's all for now. I'll post more as soon as I can.

License Plate Frames and Other Ways to Say, "I'm An Idiot."

2007-08-13T23:15:00.000-07:00

So this post title is a bit acerbic, but I thought it would be funny... You know, cause it's funny to be mean to people and make fun of others? You never heard of it?! Well, keep an eye out for this new cutting edge comedic approach. It'll be all the rage soon. (FYI: Word on the street there's this thing called "sarcasm" that's getting popular too. It's for people with highly developed senses of humor, so... it might not be for everyone.)

Anyway... it's not usual that I start with a tangent, but there it is. Now let me get back on track. Today I want to discuss the messages and images people choose to put on their vehicles, specifically addressing license plate frames. (see above image) One of my favorite things to do is to approach a vehicle from behind and see the phrase "I heart tight buns in 501's" on a bumper sticker or license plate frame and then match it with the person driving the car. (That particular phrase was on a 1992 Chevy Blazer driven by a middle aged cougar. The best part is when she looked at me with a serious face like she wanted to fight me... as if she knew I was judging her bumper sticker and laughing at her.)

Sidenote: Another one of my favorite driving phenomena is to experience the 1/2 second of someone's face you'll never see again. Like when you're passing a car rather fast and for a split second you both look at each other and the face they happen to be making is right before a sneeze or in the middle of an unattractive yet intense laugh. So for the moment you two will see each other in this life, that person is making the most whacked out face ever. Why did they look over when they knew they were about to sneeze?! I love it. It makes me laugh out loud to myself... a moment that only God and I share.

But I think it's interesting how revealing these messages are about the person driving that vehicle. It's sort of like a myspace page or a blog... without being able to appreciate the depths thereof, the person is speaking volumes about who they are. I think a study should be done about the meaning behind what people post about themselves online, or in this case, on their bumper stickers. I think there is an untold wealth of social psychological information there. I volunteer my blog and this one to the study... just to show how serious I am.

But I'm particularly entertained by the combination of people, vehicle, and message. I'll give an example of a few license plate frames I've seen recently and why they tickled my fancy.

Example 1: '02 Honda Civic: "I see it, I like it, I want it, I get it!"
This was driven by a very average looking, not particularly fashion conscious (I'll just say sweatpants and let you fill in the blanks), female with some big bangs and a perm that screamed out 1991. Now, granted I saw this vehicle and driver in West Valley City, UT, (yes, that's where all the shootings happen) but I imagine she has a television. Does she not know that there are better more desirable cars to pine after? Think about it... she saw the Honda Civic, she liked it, she wanted it, and she got it. And you know what? That's fine! I had a '99 Honda Civic about a year and a half ago. They are great cars that retain their value and get marvelous gas mileage. That's not the issue for me. I take umbrage with the fact that she's flaunting her ability (womanpower, if you will) to get what she wants and using her HONDA CIVIC as an example!!! I'm just saying she's selling herself short is all... Sister, you gotta set your sights higher than that! If you're so confident, why not go after a new Escalade or a Ford F150 King Cab... or at least an Accord.

Example 2: '97 Geo Prizm: "He bought it, I got it!"
I'm not going to describe the driver because I feel bad enough even bringing this one up. The Geo Prizm is a vehicle of shame. And a 10 year old model is just... well, depressing. I'd like to think this person was demonstrating a deep sense of irony, or was being facetious, or maybe just using the frame to get even with her underachieving husband who bought her an EFFING GEO PRIZM! But I don't think that's the case... I don't think that's it at all. :(

In case you have forgotten what this gem looks like:

Moving on...

*Example 3: '99 Cevy Cavalier: "Move outta my way, I need chocolate!"
I'd like to say the driver was petite. I'd like to say the driver looked like a person who demonstrated self control in their day to day decisions that would make a frame like this mildly humorous. I'd like to say the driver was a gay dude just being "fabulous" cause that would be slightly amusing too. I'd like to say that... but I can't. And I'm not a big make fun of fat people person at all. But when you are somewhat to very overweight, I don't think you should draw attention to the fact by putting a message on your car that says, "Getting to food is a top priority in my life." I know that sometimes things are funny cause they're true... but sometimes they aren't funny for the same reason.

All in all, I think the first three examples are variations of the "I'm a b****, get used to it!" theme. I've met this type in real life and it makes me a little sad. I feel like they have given up on developing themselves in life, accepted their weaknesses and personal proclivities and think it's funny to celebrate them. These are people with as much potential and talent as you and I. It's a shame they've given up so easily. (I know these are huge generalizations and my theorem is half baked, but they're just some thoughts.)

*Example 4: '91 Ford Explorer: "Rick's baby... get in, sit down, and shut up!"
"A time to reap, a time to sow..." I'll include the previous examples when i say that there is a time to remove a license plate frame or bumper sticker. (Like "Kerry '04." C'mon people, quit with the "I told you so" already). And some might say to me, "Craig, these people don't care about this as much as you do! Get over it! And P.S. you're a jerk." To which I reply: They cared about it enough when they put it on! (And yes, I am a jerk. I'm working on it!) The proud owner of this rust covered 1991 Ford Explorer cared enough to go to a custom license plate frame retailer and have this custom frame made. And in 1991 his Ford Explorer was cool. I wouldn't have done it, but I can see how he would have been proud of his "baby." The Explorer was the trailblazer (no pun intended) of the modern SUV age. My older brother had one and it was very cool at the time. But the times they are a changin'... and in fact have changed... a while ago. So lose the embarrassing frame "Rick."

So... my plea to the world is to think about what you're saying about yourself with your novelty car frames and stickers. Especially since you are the type who feels the need to communicate with strangers on the road. You're probably saying more than you suspect. Think about the whole package. It's not just a license plate frame... it's attached to a car and a person (YOU!) Is it really the message you intended to give off? I say just skip the whole communication via car bumper thing altogether... but hey, I'll admit I'm in the minority. Judging from all the Calvin peeing on things stickers I still see.

I hate this damn sticker. Is anyone with me?!

*these examples submitted by Alex Kirry... yes, THE Alex Kirry.

"Prison life is structured... more'n most people care for."

2007-08-07T10:25:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been fired? Have you ever then decided you didn't feel like working for a while? Have you ever wanted to collect unemployment? Well y'all without sin can cast the first stone.

I've recently, through no fault of my own, become unemployed. Basically, I got fired because my driving record falls outside the bounds of my company's insurance policy for employees that drive for company business, which being in outside sales, meant me. It was a very amicable parting and I have no ill will whatsoever towards my former employer, MediaOne of Utah. But the details of my transition into my current state are of less interest to me than the feelings I'm currently feeling. (Utahns, feel free to pronounce that "fillings"... I won't judge you.)

Although it's been only a little over a year and a half, it feels like much longer since I was last without work. The first day of unemployment I had the strangest sensation. It's one thing to take a sick day off of work or some vacation time. Cause no matter how long it is and how much you forget about the daily grind, deep down, you know that there's an end date to your freedom. There's a sense of borders and boundaries to your time. You have a deadline. I think this is a powerful, if not the most powerful, influence on human beings behavior. I say that because this whole mortal existence is based upon a start date and end date, and in the beginning we are reckless and unfettered in our approach to life, cause death seems so far off an almost a myth. As we approach the end, or sense it's very real possibility (i.e. untimely death) our behavior becomes excessively safe and conservative. I've never seen a more drastic change in A) my desire to do better B) my behavior C) my attitude towards the gospel than during and after a funeral. I've been to a few lately that have sobered me right up and helped me realize how fleeting and temporary this earth life is. They've made the invisible fence surrounding my life crystallize and become very concrete... in a hurry. The phenomenon of the "death bed"
as it were. Some people can transcend this mortal stumbling block, many believe that they are immune (see: delusional) but not me. I might be among the worst...

Sorry, I wasn't trying to get into a big discussion about death. I brought that up only to illustrate the powerful forces that are boundaries and limits. Even though it was the first day, nay! the first hour of my unemployment, I felt something different. My first thought was, "I need to structure my time immediately or I am going to waste all of it." That was almost one week ago. I write this from my apartment where it is 12:28 in the afternoon and I still haven't put a shirt on. So I guess I still have not made good on my revelation. It's like a whole different existence being without a job or deadlines or structure. I'm way more productive when I'm busy. The saying, "If you want something done give it to the busiest guy" (or something like that) is completely true with me. However, this lack of structure and dependence on my job, both financially and psychologically, give me the ability to think more openly about my possibilities moving forward. For those of you who would instantly worry about me reverting back to a high school level of maturity and adopting a sweeping "responsibility sucks" attitude need not fret. I can't go too long without a job without feeling absolutely worthless, It's encoded in my DNA to work. I also care greatly for structure. I thrive on it. My most productive periods of life have been my most regimented.

Anyway, I hope this time off will prove exceedingly productive. I have some decisions to make about how to proceed in life (mostly career) from here on out and I plan on using this time to develop a killer strategy. I only worry that the nebulous nature of unemployment won't pull me down. I do want to be able to conquer the beast of laziness and open days. I quote Will from About A Boy and take his advice...

"I find the key is to think of a day as units of time, each unit consisting of no more than thirty minutes. Full hours can be a little bit intimidating and most activities take about half an hour. Taking a bath: one unit, watching countdown: one unit, web-based research: two units, exercising: three units, having my hair carefully disheveled: four units. It's amazing how the day fills up, and I often wonder, to be absolutely honest, if I'd ever have time for a job; how do people cram them in?"

Sidenote: I chose the above photograph because it looks a little like a mugshot and my coiffure and mustache make me look like a stereotypical unemployed person. Who can get away with a look like that at a respectable job?

Roller Derby + Neices & Nephews = A Pretty Good Weekend

2007-07-27T07:54:00.001-07:00

So last weekend was pretty good. On Friday night some friends (Alex, Gordon, Tyson, Justin, an Todd) went to the SLC Roller Derby. Alex had interviewed them a while back and they've been getting some decent media coverage lately, so we decided to go check them out. The actual roller derby part of it itself is pretty dumb. They skate around an oval the size of a Doughboy swimming pool and try and pass each other... it's boring. They shove one another every so often, but most the time the falls look fake or it's only because they are girls and therefore bad skaters. But the real entertainment came in the form of the other fans. It was, and this will be a huge surprise, a lesbian magnet. Cause butch dikes love to see girls on skates! But more than that there were all these "individuals" with tattoos and piercings and weird clothes. I tempted to editorialize on the event and draw a conclusion or two, but who wants to hear that, right? Nobody. (Judging from the responses I got to my summary of single Mormons, which I thought was fairly accurate and had a hopeful swing to it.) But it was fun and we all had a crush on one trashy girl or another at some point in the evening. I had my camera and took way too many pictures.

Sunday night i went to my sister Wendy's place in Heber for dinner. My nieces and nephews are at really fun ages now, so I love going up there. Wendy is pregnant with her 4th (boy). Enjoy some images of the evening hereafter posted...

Wendy (31) & Kate (1.5)

Corbin (5) & Kate on the trampoline

Kate in Monkey costume

Cameron (4)

Corbin... too handsome for his own good.

Paul (30) the font of Corbin's handsomeness?

Last Rocker 1977

Woah! Don't fall girls... don't fall.

Somewhere in this picture there is something weird going on...

Justin Taylor makes a move

The Ref "As-Hole"

Tyson Adam Henrie

Alexander James Kirry

Michael Gordon Peterson liked this girl with the nose piercing

Alex On Ice

Todd Evan Langston finds a friend who also loves to "Seize The Day" and a cold brew at the Derby.

This guy was awesome.

I had two crushes in this crowd.

One of them may have been the poor man's Elvira.

SPBC 1 Year Anniversary

2007-07-20T07:55:00.000-07:00

So... I'm in a book club. The Smarty Pants Book Club. Brooke Eaton (see below) started it when she moved out from North Carolina last year and I signed up... It's been a fun past-time and a good way to be exposed to books I normally wouldn't be interested in. We commemorated our anniversary in super summer fashion: a pool party / BBQ. I brought the hot dogs and my camera... enjoy.

OUR FOUNDER - Brooke Eaton

Dave Eaton

Bookclub Mascot - Neil Curtis

Visitor - Maddy Lee

Garrett... last name unknown

Stacey... obviously related to Garett since I don't know her last name.

Marcelle Collins

Alisha Eaton

Visitor - Sarah Lee

Post Script: Here is a list of the books we've read so far.
Education of Little Tree - Forrest Carter
The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
The Sound And The Fury - William Faulkner
The Road Less Traveled - M. Scott Peck
Life Of Pi - Yann Martel
The Enoch Letters - Neal A. Maxwell
Pride & Prejudice - Jane Austen
Ender's Game - Orson Scott Card
The Audacity of Hope - Barack Obama
East Of Eden - Johnny Steinbeck
Terri Schiavo (i forget the title) - Mark Furhman

"New York, New York, It's A Hell Of A Town!

2007-07-19T09:37:00.000-07:00

You know the Bronx is up and I'm Brooklyn down!" So I waited too long and now I've lost the passion of my NYC trip. I mean, i probably could have reported in greater detail right after the fact.... but if you read my last post you'll know how busy me got. (By the way, the title and continuing quote is from a Beastie Boy's song. Tyler (my NY friend) and I were huge fans back in the day and their lyrics popped into our head constantly since they reference NY all the time.)

NYC -The trip:
It was good for sure. Ty had just ended his employment of 3 years at Lehman Brothers and so had all his time free. Which was cool, but I'm sure that made him feel like a full-time tour guide. Don't worry, people had conversations in front of me reminding me what a nuisance guests in NY were and how much they can't wait until visitors leave... it's true about the "rude New Yorker," I just didn't know Mormons would fall under that umbrella too. Juuuuuuust kidding.

Anyways... we did all kinds of fun stuff and went all kinds of cool places. I don't feel like listing them. You've heard all about it before from every girl you know and their Mom... literally. (You know, cause girls always go to New York with their Mom's and see Phantom of the Opera? You know?) So I won't bore you with those details. Suffice it to say it was fun, in that regard. My purpose, however, was to scope out NYC as a potential residence, so the sights and attractions were less of an appeal. I paid attention to the people and the attitudes, specifically of the Mormons there since i would be spending most of my free time socializing with them. It's very similar to other places I've been and lived outside of Utah and expressly Utah County. People REALLY into their careers, that act important and serious because they feel successful, who now have money and so think they can be more picky of the opposite sex, who are forced to date from a very small pool of eligible mates. Guys complain that the girls blow them off and reject them, the one they want won't give them the time of day... girls complaining about not being asked out, but out the other side of their mouth about the "creepy" "stalker" who is asking them out, and blowing off guys that are interested so they can hang out with their female roommates (who have boyfriends.) And once you get past this stage and actually do start dating, prepare for the long haul. People then date for years, and years.... and years. They blame everything under the sun from not being financially prepared for marriage to the trip they are taking around the world and talks will have to resume when they get back.... But secretly they are very aware of the petite dating pool and are out with one eye open.

Here's the point: If you are 25+ and graduated from college, wher'ere you be, you're life sucks. Mormon singledom is a sorry state. Now, as negative as that sounds (and is!) there's no use crying over spilled milk. It is what it is. And once you accept that you will be much happier... sort of. I mean to say that once you realize there is no "solution" for the single Mormon dilemma, you'll stop looking for one, and more important, stop moving around the country trying to find one. And you can start focusing on making your post-college life decisions without dating/social "solutions" as a motivator. You can if you realize it's not going to be better just different. If you're ready for a change of pace, scenery, culture, crowd, etc. then by all means make a move! Not better, just different. I knew this before, but this trip helped crystallize the idea into a belief.

That said, I liked NY. Great place to live. I would love the change of scenery, culture, pace, etc. Even the quirky NY singles would be a welcomed relief from my Utah boredom. So I may go, but the NYC magic wore off a little bit and I got a decent, albeit small, glimpse of reality. It's just different from Utah, not better and not a solution. And that's exactly what i wanted to get out of the trip. So it was good.

NYC - The Camera:

The camera was good. I got to use it in a variety of situations. I was impressed with it overall, but saw some of the flaws that all those articles had pointed out. I want a higher ISO and faster shutter speed. I want a heavier, bigger camera with some weight to reduce camera shake in low light situations. I want a camera with a spot meter. I want a better lens, and on and on...

So I will be returning it. It did pretty good though... you can see the results below.

Jenni Willardson (Ty's sister)

Jenni on Ty's roof in midtown Manhattan

Ty Willardson (Ladies Man)

He hates the paparazzi.

Craig Tovey (Fat Ladies Man) at the "Shake Shack." As far as shacks go, it doesn't compare to Huntington Beach's "Sugar Shack."

Soul Claps

Breakdancing at Central Park

Looking East from Ty's roof. Central Park is just beyond those two towers.
Looking West

BIG CITY DOWNTOWN

PEOPLES

Hello, Again, Hello...

2007-07-17T10:44:00.000-07:00

This last week (July 7th - July 14th) was one of the most stressful weeks of my life. Anyone within the sound of my voice has heard me complain about it, so this is for all the people outside of the Wasatch Front. I need to spread my negative energy further! (See, I'm kind of a pioneer that way.) But basically, I came back from NY and went right to work on packing up my house and getting it ready to paint, tile and clean the carpets for the new tenants. Of course the garage door and the AC broke and the plumbing leaked when i put it back together. By Saturday night I literally felt like my hands might fall off and I was sick from only sleeping 4 hrs a night. I was worthless at my job as you might have guessed. But I have to thank all the people who came to my aid last week and made my life SO much easier. I'll do so by name...
THANK YOU!
Dave Eaton
Karly Spencer
Brooke Eaton
Nancy & Pete Lisonbee
Wendy & Paul Malan
Heather Hess & her sister
Brian Sutton
Cameron Goetz

If you aren't listed here and you live in Utah then you probably made my life significantly harder... yes, there were those people too. I won't list them. But know that inside I'm sad at you and won't help you next time you're in need. Jerks. Just forget about borrowing my truck next time you move!!!

But, the good news is the fact that I found a great family (parents, 3 kids, 2 dogs, 2 cats) to rent out my 6 bedroom / 3.5 bath house in beautiful and sometimes smelly Draper, UT. I am super excited for this cause everyone told me no one would pay what I wanted for rent. "Why wouldn't they just buy a house if they can pay that much in rent?" Well, my idealistic, fiscally responsible friends, there are many families in many diverse situations. Some with bad credit, some with good. Some with lots of money, some without. Some have lived here a long time, some are moving to Utah for the first time. But I can tell you I advertised my house on Craig's List and KSL.com and got at least 2 calls a day of people interested in it at the price I was asking. Hooray for me, right? I'm such a real estate guy.

Anyway, after we signed the year lease, I realized I had no place to live and a week to figure it out. All my current roommates have all had enough of each other (2 are getting married soon anyway) and we've decided to go our separate ways... luckily for me I hung out with my friend Gordon who said he was in the market for a new roommate and invited me to be said roommate. I agreed and the rest is very recent history... He lives in Provo and I thought I had finished with that place, but I guess fate would have me give it another round. I know people are down on Provo, but I have always had fun there and am excited to be back in a really Mormony place. (Salt Lake City can get you a little sad about what can happen to Mormons when they leave the church.)

So i moved in Saturday night and the apartment is SUPER COOL. It's on Center St. above Starry Night (this is our kitchen). ( a crappy music venue for crappy Screamo and Hardcore bands that shake the floors every weekend night.) It's on the corner of the building, has high brick walls and this big iron staircase going up to the 2 loft bedrooms. I took some pictures Sunday cause it has a way cool look and feel. I'm excited about the place, but as I took some pictures something tells me my roommates have mixed feelings about me being there...

Gordon Peterson - He makes out with this computer for hours everyday and as a result is a pretty awesome web designer.

Tyson Henrie - He makes out with girls for hours everyday and as a result is a pretty awesome song writer. Or vice versa. Ever heard of Arson Car? I arrest my case.

So goodbye sweet Draper and hello, again, dear Provo. I don't know how long I'll be there, but i'm determined to enjoy my stay for as long as it lasts. Everything I own is in a storage unit in Bluffdale, except some clothes and a blanket... and some toothpaste. I love the feeling of being able to pack and move in 20 minutes. It may come in handy since I have no clue what the next few months will hold. In the meantime, here is Gordon with his shirt off...

The Big Apple or how I plan on exploiting a return policy...

2007-06-29T20:28:00.001-07:00

Dear friends,
NEW YORK, If I can make it there... it means my flight didn't go down. So, phew... But then I'll need to get on the "Airtram" or whatever my friend Tyler told me to take and then find the E line to Manhattan and then either the A or the C uptown. So grown up now, so brave.

But really I'll be in NYC for 6 days. Yes, I've been before, but it was a brief visit and I didn't have a purpose. This time is different. As I entertain the idea of leaving Utah in search of.... well let's face it, "OLDER" skies, New York is my #1 option. I have a purpose this time. This trip will be very telling. I could come back either very anxious to pack up, turn right around and head back for a year or two OR very content to stay right where I am. In God's country. Utah. The "top of the mountains." Zion.

So it's off to the big city to chase my dreams! Or be very pragmatic and run a bunch of errands... mixed with high hopes? In actuality I'll be looking for housing possibilities, job opportunities, and photo opportunities. (Prepare to change gears) Especially since I have recently "purchased" a camera from Wal-mart. When I put the word purchased in quotations, it's not because I stole it. (Those days are far behind me. I wasn't a very good thief and quit the game at age 13, when I was caught stealing a Home Run Pie, can of Coke, and a can of Dintey Moore Chili from a supermarket. I got caught ever damn time!) It's because I actually purchased it, but Wal-mart has a marvelous 30 day return policy on digital cameras and I intend to return it if not fully satisfied. (And I intend to not be fully satisfied!) What?! YOU dare judge me?! People, why do you think they have this policy?

To give nervous buyers the piece of mind that if they regret their decision (and I intend to fully regret it!) that Wal-mart (not hurting for cash, which is why they can offer this policy) will gladly take it back because they want you to return and spend more money later. This is what they do!!! They're the professionals! I didn't create the return policy... I'm just going to exploit it.

But anyway. listen! You don't understand HOW indecisive I've been about buying a camera. I've researched models like crazy and just can't decide. "This one has more mega pixels, this one is heavier and more rugged, this one has a better interface, this brand has better lenses..." and on and on. Now I don't make bad decisions... often. Most the time i'm deciding between 2 or 3 really good choices. So the way I make decisions (and pay attention for the NY parallel) is to try one of them out for a little and if i don't feel good about it then I've narrowed it down a little.

So I'm trying out this camera for a few weeks. And I'm trying out NY for a week. So what?!

Anyway... When I return I shall pictures to share and stories to tell. My friend Ty Willardson is always good for an adventurous vacation.

All my love,
Craig

Flight of the Conchords... You're So Big!

2007-06-26T09:45:00.000-07:00

Flight of the Conchords, who describe themselves as "New Zealand's 4th most popular folk-parody duo" are a group that you should get into. Much like their forerunners They Might Be Giants or Tenacious D, they are comedy team with a propensity for songwriting and storytelling. Here's how they set themselves apart:

1. They don't follow the wacky, randomness, and downright weirdness of They Might Be Giants. You can actually understand what they're talking about, despite the British step-child accents.

2. They don't need the obscene or vulgar approach that Tenacious D deems so necessary. And they aren't as annoying or over the top as Jack Black. Plus they're skinnier.
I admit that I have a penchant for British styled comedy (Yes, they are from New Zealand, but they are very subtle and dry in their comedic approach... very British.) and am therefore slightly biased. But HBO, who have hit a number of home runs with their picks in recent years (Sopranos, Sex and the City, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Rome, Da Ali G Show, etc.), have picked them up and given them their own show. It airs Sunday nights at 10:30 ET. You can see the full pilot here.

Above is a clip from their stand up stage performance titled, "Business Time." Who knows when or where they performed it. Who cares. It's funny.

Craig Tovey A.K.A. Grant Stackhouse: Earthquake Expert

2007-06-25T10:05:00.000-07:00

KSL Radio: Earthquakes in Utah

This story aired last night on KSL's Nightside Project 102.7 FM. As you all should know by now, Alex is a reporter there and uses me for fill-in "man on the street" sound bites from time to time. A couple weeks back he had me read up on earthquakes activity in Utah and pose as an expert... Grant Stackhouse. Better than the story is the comment made online about how Alex treated me, a professional. Listen to the story and read the comment if you have a spare minute or two... it's pretty good.

GRANT STACKHOUSE "We're not ready for the BIG ONE!"

More Lookey Likeys

2007-06-19T11:01:00.001-07:00

I may not be able to convince many people who haven't seen the following people in real life that they have a celebrity doppelganger, but it's only because I do not have access to the best photographs and also you're all closed-minded!

To start it off is Laura Fisher vs. Keira Knightley. Luckily laura doesn't stick her lips out and make that dumb face Keira does... but she can! At any rate, they are equally beautiful, except that one is a British snot with lots of surgery, the other is an all-natural Colorado belle. I'll let you decide which is which. Woot-woot!
KEIRA

LAURA

Next is Sally Field vs. Meg Turner vs. Maggie Gyllenhaal Meg is my friend Jordan Turner's lovely wife. Thy have a son named Noah who has a very cute and very round head (pictured below). I say she looks the most like Sally Field, but Maggie Gyllenhaal was suggested and I can definitely see it.
SALLY

MEG

MAGGIE

MEG

Wendy Malan vs. Alanis Morrissette. I know how most people feel about Alanis' music and I don't want that to cast my sister in a negative light. Wendy is awesome. And I imagine that, on a personal level, Alanis is pretty cool too. (She seemed really likable when she was a guest star on Curb Your Enthusiasm. And she's attractive, right?) But Wendy had to deal with a constant barrage of "You look like Alanis Morrissette!" when Jagged Little Pill was popular and I'm sure that was annoying. At any rate, they do look similar.
ALANIS

WENDY

ALANIS

WENDY

That's all for now. Any feedback? Am I way off here? If you want to see my first attempt at lookey likeys go to this one!

Thank you. That will be all.

Vegas Trip 2007 (Part II)

2007-06-12T08:54:00.000-07:00

If you're wondering when you missed part I, the answer is: you didn't. I wasn't blaaahhwwging back then. But rest assured it was in January and part III will be in like September or October. I try and make a regular practice of visiting my good friends and their kids a few times a year. Vegas is a quick drive and so it, and its residents, get preferential treatment. Southern California is a close second.

This is Merick Daniel Pionke. He's 1 1/2 yrs old and he chews gum for hours like an adult.

Here are some more pictures from the trip. Jordan and Meg Turner (not pictured) were a big part of it, but for some reason we didn't take any pictures. I suppose we were too busy partying our faces off with their 6 month old Noah and cousin Katie. Wooh!

Tyler Anderson playing with the toy rocket I bought him. He made me take a million pictures of him shooting it, so that we caught it in flight. Here's a successful attempt!

Not to be outdone, his Dad Aaron made me take a hundred or so of him.

And then Mike got in on the action...

There were strict rules regarding the launching of the rocket in the house. (This came after I took it outside to demonstrate its power to Tyler and got it stuck on the roof on the first attempt. Like an idiot. Tyler immediately said, "Maybe this is an inside toy." The packaging said ages 5 +, but at age 4 Tyler proved them wrong...) The rules Aaron and i created included: 1. Aim it in the air. 2. Don't shoot it at the ceiling fan. 3. Do not shoot it at people... unless it's Mike, then you absolutely should. See figure 1a and 1b below...
1a.

1b.

Moving on...

Mike, Aaron and I had a band in college called Takeitbackbrad. So every now and again we get together and rock out. It's just like old times... except heavier and balder.

And here are some more of Merick and Amber and me...

Michael took this one. Good work!

I love this one!

So there it is. My small trip to Vegas. I'm glad I got to make it down and see some of my favorite people and their fantastic kids. Miss 'em already.

Proving that what happens in Vegas... is kind of boring sometimes.

I Am 30... Or How I Invented The "Three-O Trio."

2007-06-06T09:03:00.000-07:00

I am 30. But I'm not really 30. I was born on November 16th, 1977. Sign of the Scorpio, year of the Snake. (compatible with the Ox and the Rooster, so...) By the calendar I'm still 29. But let's face it, I'm 30. Who cares about 29 year olds anyway? Nobody. I can't remember who I was talking to, but one time, I got on this discussion of how old you are and giving your real age when you get close to the three decade mark. The conversation bloomed into the following: The Three-O Trio

Basically, what this means is that you get 3 years of 30. But why, and how, and for what reason, you ask? First off, because 29, as previously indicated, is a throw away age and no one cares about you or your age when you're 29. There are those that will cling to this year with everything they have, but it's just pathetic. Your 20's are over. There's nothing left to enjoy when you are 29, only the anticipation of turning 30 for a year. That sucks. Secondly, 31 is a dumpy age too. It just sounds sooooo stupid. If you're 31, you're 40. It's over.

So what I'm saying is this: Skip 29 and 31! Say you're 30 when you're 29 and you will have earned yourself the right to say you're 30 when you're 31. 3 years of 30! Do you get it? It's beautiful! And 30 is a great conversation starter. You get all kinds of sympathy and interest. Still within the grasp of the minds of 20-somethings, and adult enough for the 30-somethings +. And 30 is kind of sexy these days... at least that's the word from Hollywood.

So this past year, I have been referring to myself as 30, which I am... *wink!* And look forward to 2 1/2 more glorious years of hip, sexy, beautiful 30-ness. I welcome anybody who wants to join me for the one age related loophole I've discovered in the universe. But be prepared for the singular drawback that I will have to face on Nov. 16th, 2009. After 3 years of being 30, I will suddenly have to jump to 32. That will be a bitter dose of aging medicine. It might throw me into a premature mid-life crisis. I might be seen running out one day in a leather jacket to get my ears pierced, a ridiculous tattoo... and buy a new Ford Mustang.

Or maybe I'll just forget about all of this nonsense, grow up and age gracefully... or get married. And then who cares, right?

Mason Jennings Interview

2007-06-03T17:19:00.000-07:00

So this is one of the coolest things I've been able to do in a long time. Alex (with the microphone)is a reporter for KSL radio here in Salt Lake City and he was able to set up an interview with Mason Jennings. He invited Dave (bobby pin) and I (Nascar) along cause we are all huge fans. Dave was the "producer" and I was the "web editor." Which means I took pictures. So I posted some for everyone to see.

A lot of people say this about celebrities/personalities they meet, but this guy is truly a great person. Very humble, very nice, and very sincere and down to earth. We ended up talking with him for like 40 minutes and he and Dave talked a lot about the experience of writing and playing music and what one's motives should be. Heck of a guy. I'll stay a fan. I found out he's married, has two kids (boys 1 and 4), and when touring (about 5 months a year) he goes back home about once a week to "check in" as he put it. Which I thought was very cool.

We also enjoyed the show. That's all.

P.S. I love Alex's job.

Karl Malone On Aliens

2007-05-30T16:03:00.001-07:00

I've been watching this 7 times a day so I thought I'd share it.

The "Cool" Uncle

2007-05-25T16:29:00.001-07:00

I stated earlier that I would be posting pictures of my niece and nephews to rival Leslie's pics of her kids. I'd likr to detract my statement, since child cuteness is no contest and no laughing matter... (well, you were supposed to laugh at that.) But anyways, here is a picture of my niece Kate (1.5 yrs old), daughter of Wendy & Paul Malan. She is absolutely adorable and I'm happy that recently she doesn't cry when she sees me. I've realized that little girls, for some reason, strike more of a chord with me. They seem sweeter and more gentle. Maybe it's the latent stirrings of fatherhood in me that wants to protect them. From what, you ask? Boyfriends. I, for example, will kill my daughters boyfriends. Seriously. Dead! But that's a later post, maybe years later, as I am not even married and have no children... that I know of! Way-Oh!!!

Anyway, I was thinking about kids today. Nieces, nephews, my friend's kids. What got me thinking was my friend Jimmy's son Brock, who is always fairly excited to see me. I like it... a lot. He's this skinny little monkey who's pants are always falling off. It's awesome. It made me think, however, about when kids aren't excited to see you. I have to admit I get a little, just a little bit sad. I started thinking about this. Kids don't care about you unless you're in their life every day. Not most kids, and not very much. I've decided that instead of getting sad or mad about it, I'm going to work within the constructs of child development... Here's how I'm gonna get kids to like me!

1) People are happy to see you if you're happy to see them - This is basic Dale Carnegie stuff, but I rediscover it on a consistent basis. Kids respond to mood, I think. Who's happy to see the grouchy uncle? No one. But what about the uncle that treats you like a celebrity? Everyone likes that guy! "Hey, this guy likes me. He's always excited to see me... can't say I blame him. He does have excellent taste in people."

2) Never greet a kid empty handed - This is my ticket to kid super-stardom. Kids care nothing about adults unless they can GIVE THEM SOMETHING! Candy, toys, money... anything. Even if they already have it, they want more! As I was brainstorming what I could bring I asked for some opinions. Quarters, was one response. Yeah... I could be the quarter guy, and they are easy to carry around. Simple. You can do cool magic tricks with them as you bestow them, but I have three reservations about this: 1. Inflation! What am i gonna do when I need to give them 48 cents in a couple years, to keep up with a growing economy? Forget it. 2. Kids want the thing they would buy with the money, not an errand. "Great. Now I have to walk to the store and buy what it was you could have just given me." It's like giving them all the ingredients for a cake, they don't want more chores, they want you to cut out the middle man for them. Deal direct. 3. Bacteria. Quarters are never washed. Enough said.

Then I thought, how about bigger sums of money and a little adventure? I want this to be exciting for them. My Dad used to play "Guess For The Money." (Not the most original game title, but then neither is Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? And that worked out ok.) Where we'd guess how much money was in his pocket and if you guessed it you got it. This could range from $20 up to thousands. My sister won $1,326 one time. But here's my spin on it - to up the excitement level. I hold out two closed hands near the child's face... one of the them holds a large sum of money... the child is asked to choose a hand... if he chooses the hand with the money, he gets it... if not... A SLAP IN THE FACE! Can you imagine the excitement?! On one hand (literally) maybe you get $20, on the other you get the $#!* knocked out of you! No? ...Maybe I'll play it with the boys when they get older.

Seriously though, I finally decided on a "grab bag" approach. I'll have a coat pocket or a hat or whatever and have small vending machine type toys or candy or a dollar, and they can fish out their prize. Still exciting, but maybe not as painful as "Slap or Dare" which is the name of the aforementioned hand choosing/face punching game.

But I think bringing gifts will make kids be excited to see me. I would like people more if they always gave me something...

3) Leave them wanting more - Know when to say when. I want kids crying and throwing a fit when I walk out the door! So I'll have to leave on a high note, like George does with jokes in Seinfeld. Nobody likes the uncle who's ALWAYS hanging out. "Bro, get your own family. You just got REAL boring." I'll have to let the Spirit be my guide on this one as to when to make the most dramatic exit.

Oddly enough, as i think about it, these same principles apply to girls. Grand ovations, candy, money, acting like you've got somewhere to go, it's all the same game. What do you guys think? Am I on to something?

Darkplace Episode 2- Hell Hath Fury

2007-05-23T12:53:00.001-07:00

"I'm Garth Merenghi, horror writer. You know, everyone has a special talent. Mine is being able to write, produce, direct, act, paint. Other people are good plumbers, that's their gift."
- Garth Merenghi, Darkplace

This is one of my favorite youtube referrals. I can't remember who sent it to me... I think it was Mikey Warner. He SOOOO has his finger on the pulse. I could watch it a thousand times. It makes me laugh every time I see it. I don't know why I am so tickled by British humor... and misogyny. I hope you all enjoy it and tell me what you think.

"And I Don't Agree With That In The Workplace!"

2007-05-22T08:19:00.000-07:00

"The people you work with are just people you were thrown together with. Y'know, you don't know them, it wasn't your choice. And yet you spend more time with them than you do your friends or your family... But probably all you've got in common is the fact that you walk round on the same bit of carpet for eight hours a day... My life is not over. Come back here in ten years. See how I'm doing then. 'Cause I could be married with children, you don't know. Life just goes on. "

- Tim, BBC's The Office

First of all, big ups to BBC's original version of The Office. It's one of the best things I've ever watched on a screen, television or otherwise. I would call it a masterpiece. I have no complaints about it; to me it's TV perfection. That being said, I can't rip into the NBC version too much because Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant are the Executive Producers... so obviously they endorse it to some extent.

Still, I can't get into it. I have tried and can't seem to enjoy it. The BBC version definitely spoiled my liking or enjoying the NBC version. And saying that is like saying The Beatles spoiled my liking Nickelback. I'm not sad at all. I don't feel like I'm missing much, or anything at all, since I have the original which makes its successor insignificant and unnecessary. Anyway... I just wanted to mention my feelings about both since I used that quote to introduce this post. Maybe some day I'll go into why the BBC version is a masterpiece and the NBC version is not. Won't that be exciting?

At any rate, both of these TV series are so popular, I believe, because so many of us can identify. (There is a receptionist Dawn and a Tim in my office and my boss' name is David.) What I want to talk about is my office job. I have been with my company for about a year and a half now. I work for The Salt Lake Tribune and The Deseret Morning News as an account executive. It was a new adjustment for me and I literally feared it at first. Luckily I've had good friends that have worked here with me to help keep a sense of humor and an objective perspective of the daily routine. These friends have made it bearable. Slowly they have all moved on and come Thursday the last of my friends will be leaving and pursuing... something other than here. This has made me reflect on the personalities in the office that have brought us so much laughter. I'd like to share a few with you. Names have been changed to preserve anonymity.

Exhibit A: Don
This is the guy I stare at for nearly 8 hrs a day. Don is a 50-something year old gay man born and raised in SLC, UT. He has been with his partner Les since he was 19. His family history, however, as well as Les's, is very LDS. He enjoys shopping on Ebay for jewelry and fur coats, makes fantastic flower arrangements, drives a Mercedes named "Klaus," and calls girls boobs "bazookas." I have spent my fair share of time around homosexuals, but still am not very comfortable with it as a pass-time. That notwithstanding, I have become good friends with Don. He has a great sense of humor, is very thoughtful, and well educated. He's given me great advice on my house and did the majority of my training here at this job without being asked. He calls every girl that works here "wench" and frequently makes wildly inappropriate and vulgar comments, but never forgets a birthday.

Exhibit B: "Googly-eyes" Jane
Jane is in the art department and builds the ads for one of my biggest clients. She reeks of cigarette smoke has a short disheveled Brad Pitt style hair-do, and is always wearing the same jeans and a baggy sweater. She's worked here for like 25 years. Her teeth corroborate her lifelong smoking habit and are in some disorder. She has a Sylvester the Cat style lisp which is quite endearing. The icing on the cake is her googly eyes. They start off being completely in sync, but as you talk to her one of them... ever so slowly... goes for a walk and takes a hard right turn. My problem is I don't know which eye to follow. And I don't want to give any sign that I notice that it has wandered away. I'm not saying this to make fun of Jane. I like her. She does a great job and we get along well. I'm just saying... does it affect her vision? It has to. Does a ghost image of me appear and stand beside me as I talk to her? How terrifying! Also, she designs artwork... What courage!

Exhibit C: Dale Glicks
Dale was in accounting for some years and recently joined our sales team as an assistant. He was good in accounting and was my go to guy when I needed an account activated or set up. I heard some rumors he was having marital troubles, but paid no attention since it was little of my business. Well, since he's moved into our department and sits one cubicle away... it's become everybody's business. He's the guy that is constantly breathing out long, loud sighs on a 10 minute basis. He is a chronic sigher. These sighs are a cry for you to ask him what's wrong, cause he REALLY wants to tell you. He takes frequent walks to "cool off" and "clear his head" while the people he assists do his work for him. Here's what i know: His wife cheated on him with her boss and she recently got a tattoo (they were active LDS folks while married). He had his gall bladder out recently, doesn't sleep well, suffers from frequent headaches, constantly catching a cold or the flu from his daughter... his words. I don't want to say hypochondriac because it's more than just medical conditions. This guy has a raincloud over him at all times. And to boot he is the slowest walker in the world (Which means his "cooling off" walks could last hours!) Poor Dale.

Exhibit D: Jermaine
This effing guy. Gosh, I hate to even talk about him. Everyone else mentioned thus far, despite how eccentric or strange they might be, I feel a certain affection for. I like them despite their weirdness. I will miss them when I'm gone and remember them fondly. But this guy... ugh. Jermaine is a returned missionary. Now, I know what you're thinking, but you can get that image out of your head and replace it with a 5'8" Samoan with the longest, mane-ish, salt & pepper, head of hair tied in a bun. Add to it: Baggy clothes, a slight limp, tattoed eye liner, the crookedest teeth ever conceived, a lisp, a low, raspy, gargly voice and the knowledge that he is a gay drag queen when not working at the newspaper. He has alcohol on his breath ALWAYS and utters disgusting sexual innuendo constantly. This is the type of gay dude that thinks every guy in the world is secretly gay and eyes me like I was a huge savory pork chop. I now know what it feels like to be a girl and have gross dudes looking at you. Except my reaction is not to cry, but to stab him in the face. I have tried to find something redeeming about him because I believe that somebody still loves him... maybe his Mom? Maybe? The moment I start to think he's just a struggling soul he comes over to deliver his clever one-liner after insinuating that he slept with some guy he met the night before: "It was a rough morning at the shelter," he says. Oh Jermaine... every morning is rough when you're a promiscuous gay alcoholic Samoan drag queen.

That last one was particularly negative, but I'm gonna let it stand. Like I said, besides him I really do like everyone else i work with. It's just so interesting the variety of people that spend all day together that would never associate if work hadn't brought them together. It's good I think. It makes us more understanding of one another and exposes us to real human beings that flesh out the stereotypes we live with. In a David Pulsipher vein I invite you (all 4 of my readers)to share your thoughts, stories about the people you work with. Who have you been thrown together with and how have you been surprised?

I Give You Alex Kirry Everybody...

2007-05-17T15:54:00.000-07:00

This is my good friend and roommate Alex Kirry. He made fun of my blog today, but i forgive him. Leave it to him to keep me down when I start expressing myself. What a jerk.

Anyway... there's a decent story behind these photos that I think merits telling. So Alex is a reporter for KSL 102.7FM's "The Nightside Project." He does the funny, spoof, Daily Show-esque reports. And he was sent a link to a myspace page that is hilarious and disturbing all at once. Beautiful Mormon Search. Basically these people are looking for sexy returned missionaries to take their shirts off and pose for a calendar under the guise of helping to spread the "Mormon message." So Alex brought me along to the Salt Lake City tryouts (This was like a month ago, so I apologize for the untimeliness.) The people involved were obviously not active, if they were members at all, but swore they were all active members trying to help the church out, arguing that there are lot of people not being reached who this would appeal to. I argued back that those people are either dirty old cougars or gay dudes. (They ended up admitting that their best response ahs indeed been from "middle aged women and gay men.")

Anyway, Alex stepped in front of the camera and these are some of the results. You can search through his Nightside page and find the audio file of his report. It's pretty funny. Alex is a big deal and not a jerk at all. I love him even though he doesn't support my hobbies.

Coincidence?

2007-05-17T08:06:00.000-07:00

This post is an addendum to Andy Funk's post of a similar nature. You should check it out cause it's hilarious. One of the men pictured above is my good friend Michael Warner, best known for the time he almost died on a mountainbike, the other is British comedian and actor Matthew Holness, best know for his comedy series Darkplace. Matthew also had a small but fantastic role in BBC's The Office. And Mikey had a small but fantastic role as my Southern California surfing partner during the summer of 2003. Neither of which I will ever forget.

I love Mikey. And I love Matthew Holness. So this is a difficult situation for me cause it's one less face I have to remember, but two names. That's hard! Has anybody else ever had this problem? Did Heavenly Father run out of faces at some point? Before I got fat people used to tell me I looked like Dana Carvey. In high school when my hair was longer people told me I looked like Anthony Keidis of Red Hot Chili Peppers. (Of course it was when I was wearing a RHCP t-shirt.)

But I'm fascinated with people I know that look like each other. My dream would be for them to meet each other! Here are a few more...

Exhibit A: Brooke Eaton a.k.a. The girl from Napolean Dynamite

Exhibit B: Doug Tovey a.k.a. Ryan from The O.C.

Exhibit C: Leslie Call vs. Scarlett Johansson

I believe I've made my point.... which is... people look like each other?

This Man...

2007-05-16T15:49:00.000-07:00

is diabolical. Look at the squint in his eyes and the pursed lips! Don't let the Clark Kent get-up fool you... he is looking for his next victim. Not searching the horizon for a soul to soothe or save, but scanning for innocent bystanders with nefarious intentions.

But seriously... this is David Pulsipher. Once my hero, he is now an awful antagonist. I was a loyal reader of his blog. I supped frequently from the table of his prose. He made my heart swell with charity and my sides ache with laughter. He challenged my every assumption and made me thirst for wisdom. Until the day I dared to defy him!

Knowing that my blog is in its infancy, knowing that I struggle to find words to write, and knowing that his audience would be hanging on his every word... he struck. He derided me mercilessly in front of his mass of sheep. He said that I had a singular reader and that it was him. LOOK AT HIS EYES! They know no mercy. They smile only at pain.

I'm not going to even get in to what he did to poor Steph... let's just say that I hope she makes it through the night. She committed the transgression of blaspheming in the church of David and paid dearly for it!

I hope all who read this weep for me and dear sweet Stephanie and steer far away from the monstrous fury that is David Pulsipher and lowercase numbers.

Meet the gayest band in the world...

2007-05-11T10:46:00.000-07:00

Since I'm an avid blog reader and leave comments on others blogs, I thought I'd start posting. Yes David and Ashley I'm jumping off on my own, I won't be trying to dominate David's comments page any longer. Yes, Mikey Warner, I too can post cool / obscure things... and I will. And yes, Leslie Call I will put up pictures of me and my nieces and nephews to rival your kids.

I'll start by putting up this picture.

My friend Jimmy Eaton (lower left) decided on th spur of the moment to start a band. The spurring catalyst was a "Eagle Mountain Battle of the Bands." We had to submit a band photo and so took this picture Wednesday night. I know how gay I looked. I can tell you now that we took about 60 photos and Jimmy picked this one. The winner gets to open for Sawyer Brown and your supposed to be a country and or crossover type band. Jimmy's music is not very country, but it'll work. I was recruited because I play the bass... remedially. Jimmy has been asking me if I wanted to start a band for 2 years now. Finally, I relented. This whole event should be hilarious. I'm just excited to have an excuse to be playing bass again. I really enjoy it... so very mush. All the time.

And by the way, if it wasn't ridiculous enough here's a couple things you may want to consider...

We're covering "Life Is A Highway" by Tom Cochrane.
Our bands name is Jimmy Juice.

I feel like this is and open and shut case.

No such thing as a dumb question

2006-08-17T07:59:00.000-07:00

There's a recurring dilemma in my life that I've never found a comfortable solution for. The situation that brings it to mind most recently is my trip to the dentist yesterday. When I scheduled to have my molar extracted over a month ago, no one told me it might disrupt my day to the point that I should have taken the afternoon off of work. They said, "No big deal, it will be an easy extraction, since it's already erupted." I took this at face value. They asked, When would I like to schedule it? Oh, any old time will do. 1pm on a Wednesday? That's fine.

I don't want to exaggerate and say it was this huge, painful, bloody ordeal. It wasn't really. (Instead, it was a small, uncomfortable, bloody ordeal) But it left a huge hole where my tooth used to be and aa mouthful of gauze for the rest of the day. Talking was a slobbery chore, my cheek looked huge and puffy, and I was spitting blood for hours. Furthermore, I was given a prescription for Lortab. Which I thought was a big deal. I mean, isn't it one of the drugs people abuse? (It has little to no effect on me unless I really slam a few. Nitrous Oxide, the same story. Bor-ing!) Anyway...

My problem is with the way we share information with each other. I can never seem to find the right balance. I've always had trouble when starting a new job or learning a new process. I either ask too many questions, and look like a simpleton (and people treat me accordingly), or I don't ask enough and make copius mistakes, incurring personal injury and/or loss. Either way, it seems I'm bound for some discomfort when learning or experiencing something new. Either I subject myself to the condescending attitude people cannot seem to overcome when they have some information that you don't, or I can run headlong into the proverbial squeaky clean sliding glass door, after which I get up, dust myself off and go, "I meant to do that."

I usually resign myself to the former in new situations. I end up having to submit my pride to such comments as,
"Well, you've used the Internet before haven't you, how can you not know what a meta-tag is?" or
"You can't replace the head without a new gasket set! Do you want to ruin your engine?"
or
"Did you fill out a request for authorization? Did you think the form was going to fill itself out?"

Some of you know what I'm talking about. You've met these monsters at the DMV, training for your new job, or maybe at your in-laws house. (Children, I might add, are the worst at this. They abuse their knowledge over others unrepentantly. "You don't know how to spell Mississippi? What an idiot! It's only the easiest word in the universe!!!") The average person, it seems, young or old, gets a small amount of pleasure in knowing more about a certain subject to the point that they lose their ability to mask their disgust for those who do not. I find it very entertaining and extremely frustrating all at once.

Conversely, there are those that go the other route. Pretend you already know everything. Never ask a question and talk over anyone who tries to correct a mistake in progress. Like the guy who totally fabricates his resume and blunders around his new job going, "Yeah, I know, I know. We just did it differently were I worked before. These machines are weird!" as he fumbles to make copies on the Zerox. I am definitely not this type of person. I usually prefer to get talked down to rather than look stupid acting like I know what's going on. One day i may just stand up to the abrasive abuser of knowledge, but it just makes things worse and they call you "overly-sensitive"... which would destroy me!

But yesterday was a unique case, I didn't consciously decide to not ask questions surrounding a new experience. I wasn't given any clues that it might be an uncomfortable, inconvenient process. This one was their fault, I feel. They got lazy and forgot that I might not now what an extraction entails. Anyways, it wasn't that big a deal, it just reminded me of this small dichotomy. I just wish the maxim, 'There's no such thing as a dumb question" was universally recognized in our culture. It would save me a lot of grief.